by
Category: U.S. News
-
Angry 2-Year-Olds Smash and Grab at Local Target to Protest New Tariffs on Pull-Ups
In what experts are calling “the most organized toddler-led politically motivated insurrection ever,” dozens of furious, unclothed 2-year-olds stormed a local Target on Tuesday, shattering glass, toppling displays, and making off with armfuls of pull-up packs. Their demand: a rollback of President Trump’s newly announced 50% tariff on imported pull-ups. Witnesses described the scene as…
-
WH Says Children Will Now Require $5 Million Gold Card to Participate in 2027 Easter Egg Roll
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move White House officials are calling “the logical next step in American childhood,” the Trump administration announced Friday that all children wishing to participate in the 2027 White House Easter Egg Roll will be required to present a $5 million Gold Card at the gate. President Trump unveiled the new…
by
-
Announcing “War-on-Woke”, Hegseth Starts Speech With Favorite Blond Joke
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that even the most hardened members of the Trump administration found shocking, newly appointed Secretary of War Pete Hegseth began his first official speech by telling his “favorite Blond joke.” The gathered press, many of whom were still reeling from the aftershock of the last Trump Administration, instinctively braced…
by
-
Gas Soars to Almost 5 New Trump Coins Per Gallon
In a shocking sign of the times and because of the new war with Iran, Americans woke up today to find the national average price of gasoline had skyrocketed to an unprecedented five Trump Coins per gallon, sparking confusion, nostalgia for the days of just inflation, and at least one fistfight at a Florida Wawa…
by
-
Ayatollah Tells Paradise Greeter He Specifically Remembers Being Promised 72 Only Female Virgins
In sources describing it as an “awkward celestial encounter,” the recently deceased Iranian Ayatollah Ali Khamenei reportedly faced paradise on Wednesday, allegedly to clarify what the holy man called a “clear case of divine fuck-up.” Khamenei, who was killed during a U.S. bombing mission in the early days of the latest Iran-U.S. war, allegedly expected…
by
-
Betting Sites Laughing Assess off as Fans Say (again) “Next Year” Year Bills Win Super Bowl
BUFFALO, NY — In what has become a sort of spiritual tradition, sports betting sites across America spent Sunday night laughing, crying tears of joy, and watching their profits surge as Buffalo Bills fans—somewhere between hopeful and delusional—once again declared, “Next year’s the year!” for a Super Bowl victory. Vegas insiders confirm that the Bills’…
by
MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
-
ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
-
Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined
-
Trump Fumes as Ship Transporting Paddleballs Destined for Administration Staff, Detained in Hormuz
-
Trump Nominates “Little” Vinny DeVito, Miami Serve-Pro Wet-vac Technician, to Lead FEMA