In a shocking sign of the times and because of the new war with Iran, Americans woke up today to find the national average price of gasoline had skyrocketed to an unprecedented five Trump Coins per gallon, sparking confusion, nostalgia for the days of just inflation, and at least one fistfight at a Florida Wawa over the proper way to tip your gas station attendant in new Trump gold-plated currency.
The Trump Coin, President Trump’s latest venture into American coin collecting, officially launched last week, impressing Fox News anchors and causing chaos within the U.S. Mint’s marketing team. The coin, which closely resembles the president’s favorite criminal mugshot, has swiftly replaced the standard $1 bill, the Sacagawea dollar, and, in some especially patriotic neighborhoods, even the idea of fiat currency itself.
I think it’s beautiful, the best coin, maybe ever,” said Trump at the coin’s launch event, before pausing to autograph a commemorative box set and attempt a limited-edition selfie with a group of confused children. “No president has ever had a coin this shiny, folks. Lincoln? Don’t make me laugh. And, just a note, it’s gold, NOT orange.”
The move has financial historians nervously flipping through their ancient Roman coin collections for clues. “It’s not every day you see a head of state put their own likeness on money while still in office,” said one Princeton professor, who requested anonymity for fear of being chased out of academia by an army of red MAGA hats. “Last time this happened was Julius Caesar in 44 B.C., and, well, that didn’t end so great for him. But I’m sure President Trump hasn’t read that far in the Wikipedia entry.”
Controversy has already erupted over the new Trump $1 coin, especially regarding the inscription on the back, which is boldly inscribed in a suspiciously familiar script: “Et tu, MAGA?” While some experts believe this is a subtle nod to the ongoing investigations into Jeffrey Epstein, most agree it’s more likely the result of a late-night brainstorming session at Mar-a-Lago, fueled by Diet Coke, Big Macs, fries, and reruns of The Apprentice.
Public reaction has been mixed. Some are already hoarding Trump Coins in shoeboxes and burying them in their backyard “for when the deep state comes for the gold.” Others are simply annoyed at having to carry handfuls of coins with hair that appears to get bigger every time you look away.
Economists warn that if gas prices continue to climb, Americans may soon have to pay in even
higher denominations, possibly the rumored $10 “Ivanka Note.” For now, though, drivers are left with just one question: Is it cheaper to fill up the tank, or just buy a horse and hope President Trump doesn’t decide to hawk his own saddle?
