In a move that surprised nearly every government official, President Trump on Thursday nominated Vincent “Little Vinny” DeVito—a part-time wet-vac technician at the Miami Serve-Pro franchise—to lead the Federal Emergency Management Agency. In a press conference held outside a Florida strip mall, DeVito, still wearing his signature lime-green Serve-Pro polo, admitted, “Honestly, I just started working the wet-vac last summer. Before that, I was mostly in charge of moving the orange cones and making sure rats didn’t get into the vans. I’m not even certified to use the big wet-vac machine.”
Despite DeVito’s admitted lack of disaster management experience, President Trump praised the 27-year-old’s “incredible hustle with the wet-vac, the best I’ve ever seen, people are saying.” Trump elaborated, “We don’t need another bureaucrat reading from a binder. We need someone who knows how to get the water out—right out. Vinny’s my guy. He’s got the green shirt, hair, the look, the attitude, and frankly, he’s a quarter of the price of the last FEMA guy.”
Speaking to reporters, DeVito tried to temper expectations. “Look, I’m honored, I guess. But I don’t really know what FEMA even stands for. My whole disaster plan is, you know, to plug in the wet-vac and maybe open a window. If there’s a tornado, I usually call my cousin Tony and wait it out at his place in Palm Springs. Is that… is that the kind of leadership the president is looking for?”
Sources inside the White House confirmed that Trump first noticed DeVito during a televised Serve-Pro commercial, in which Vinny awkwardly waved a squeegee. “He’s a star. Could be the next My Pillow guy, but with more practical skills,” Trump said. “I’ve told the governors: from now on, when there’s a disaster, no more waiting for paperwork or FEMA trailers. We just let Serve-Pro loose. You’ll see, it’ll be tremendous savings for the taxpayers.”
Pressed about his plans for hurricanes or wildfires, DeVito seemed unsure. “Uh, I guess we could try the wet-vac on the fire, but I don’t think it’s rated for that. If not, I could probably get a couple of my buddies to help out. We got a pretty good deal on some mop buckets last month.”
Democrats have called the nomination “reckless” and “performance art,” but Trump remains undeterred. “FEMA’s been its own disaster for years. Bureaucrats love red tape. Vinny loves green hoses. That’s the kind of outside-the-box thinking America needs.”
As for DeVito, he’s still adjusting to the limelight. “I just hope they let me keep the company van and uniforms. And if anyone knows where to get a really big extension cord, hit me up, dude.”
