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Category: Business
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Trump Hotels Inc. Says Dates for Paid Wedding Events in New WH Ballroom, “Selling Fast”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced today that dates for paid wedding events in the new White House Grand Ballroom are “selling quickly,” with prime Saturdays booked nearly through the 2030s. “Frankly, everyone wants to get married where I live, work, and—let’s be honest—make the very best presidential history,” Trump declared at a hastily…
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Woods Folds Start-Up, Admits “No Future” in Side-Driven SUVs
In a press conference Tuesday that left investors, sports fans, and traffic cops disappointed, golf legend Tiger Woods announced the immediate closure of his much-hyped automotive start-up, Tiger Trax, citing “insurmountable consumer resistance” to his new and experimental line of side-driven, all-wheel-drive SUVs. Woods, who described his vision as “the logical next step after parallel…
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Four-Year-Old Mistakenly Orders $100 Billion Starlink Contract for India on Amazon
In what experts call “the boldest credit card raid since the Minecraft Diamond Block fiasco,” four-year-old Darren “Skeeter” Dinkwater of Clarksburg, West Virginia, reportedly placed a $100 billion Amazon order for a nationwide Starlink network, signing India up for more satellites than eight countries combined. The sequence of events began innocently: Darren, just searching for…
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Mississippi-Based Tooth Fairy Inc. Forced to File for Bankruptcy
JACKSON, MS — In a development that has left dental hygienists and magical accountants reeling, Mississippi-based Tooth Fairy LLC filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection this week. CEO Trixie Glimmerdust cited what she called “an unsustainable and consistent, never-ending volume of tooth loss payouts in the Magnolia State.” We knew Mississippian’s teeth were in bad…
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FedEx Tariff Suit with White House Delayed as Legal Papers Delivered to Wrong Address
Legal experts and delivery drivers were confused Monday when the FedEx v. White House lawsuit was delayed again after its legal documents were sent to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Apt. B, in Scranton, Pennsylvania. The lawsuit over now-defunct tariffs took a new turn after a Supreme Court ruling declared them “unconstitutional, uncollectible, and, in one case,…
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MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined
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Trump Fumes as Ship Transporting Paddleballs Destined for Administration Staff, Detained in Hormuz
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Trump Nominates “Little” Vinny DeVito, Miami Serve-Pro Wet-vac Technician, to Lead FEMA