In a press conference Tuesday that left investors, sports fans, and traffic cops disappointed, golf legend Tiger Woods announced the immediate closure of his much-hyped automotive start-up, Tiger Trax, citing “insurmountable consumer resistance” to his new and experimental line of side-driven, all-wheel-drive SUVs.
Woods, who described his vision as “the logical next step after parallel parking,” originally founded Tiger Trax in 2018, reportedly after a late-night drive that ended with his Escalade perched sideways across three lanes of Los Angeles traffic. “People thought I was drunk,” Woods recalled, staring wistfully at a prototype SUV idling at a 90-degree angle behind him. “But really, I was just ahead of my time.”
The golf superstar, whose recent run-ins with law enforcement have been reported as DUIs and DWIs, revealed that every so-called “incident” was, in fact, part of his rigorous testing regime. “Those weren’t traffic violations,” Woods insisted. “That was field research. You try teaching a car to drive sideways at 60 mph in a school zone. It’s science.”
Despite initial investor excitement — and a viral video of Woods’ SUV crab-walking through a Taco Bell drive-thru — the market proved less than enthusiastic. “Turns out, people want to go forward and backward, not left and right,” said Woods, who admitted that he’d underestimated how few Americans dream of a vehicle that can parallel park itself into oncoming traffic.
Industry analysts say Tiger Trax’s demise was sealed after the ill-fated launch of its flagship model, the Ditchwinder XRS, which boasted a patented “Lateral Drift” mode. Early adopters praised the car’s ability to swerve out of the way of responsibility, but critics complained that it was impossible to merge onto any interstate without ending up in the median or a neighbor’s backyard.
While Woods says he’s “proud of the disruption” he brought to the auto industry, he admits it’s time to move on. “They laughed at Tesla. They laughed at Edison. And now, apparently, they’re laughing at me. But history will remember me as the guy who tried to make perpendicular commutes a thing.”
Asked what’s next, Woods remained coy. “Maybe a golf cart that only goes in circles. At least then, I’ll always end up back where I started.”
