INTERNATIONAL NEWS
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
Count von Count, beloved PBS character, was detained by ICE after his work visa was revoked amid PBS funding cuts.…
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Trump Fumes as Ship Transporting Paddleballs Destined for Administration Staff, Detained in Hormuz
In a dramatic escalation of international tensions, President Donald Trump lashed out Sunday morning after a cargo ship carrying 40,000…
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New Ayatollah Suggests No More Addresses on Invitations for Weekly Harem Parties
TEHRAN—In a bid to bolster operational security and preserve what remains of Iran’s senior leadership, Iran’s freshly minted Supreme Leader,…
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Netanyahu Convinces Trump, Pope Leo, and Vatican City Next “Imminent Threat”
In a surprising move that has left international observers reciting their rosaries and scratching their heads, Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu…
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Man Wearing Mascara and Eyeliner Says He “Taking Tough Position” in Iranian War Negotiations
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a striking display of both diplomatic resolve and impeccable lash definition, Vice-President J.D. Vance assured reporters…
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Trump Tells America War Will End When Ayatollah Recinds “Tiny Hands Trump” Comment
President Donald Trump announced at a last-minute White House press conference that peace is possible—if the Ayatollah retracts his “Tiny…
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Unsolicited, U.S. Sends Hospital Boat Loaded with Confiscated Venezuelan Roofies to Greenland
NUUK, GREENLAND — In a move that has left international diplomats feeling like they’re in a roofie-induced stupor, a U.S.…
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New Ayatollah Immediately Implements Mandatory “5-Things” Weekly Email for Surviving Iranians
TEHRAN — In a move that pundits are calling “aggressively deranged, even by the region’s standards,” Iran’s recently appointed Supreme…
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Dead Ayatollah Still Defiantly Refuses to See Irony in Having Led Chants of “Death to America”
In what commentators have described as a “bold posthumous statement,” Iran’s late Supreme Leader remained steadfastly unamused by the situational…
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