TEHRAN—In a bid to bolster operational security and preserve what remains of Iran’s senior leadership, Iran’s freshly minted Supreme Leader, Ayatollah “No-Reply-All” Khamenei, has issued a sweeping new edict: “No more addresses on harem party invitations. Effective immediately.” The announcement came just days after multiple U.S. airstrikes, triggered by a wayward Evite, decimated the Guardian Council’s weekly shindig, leaving the upper echelons of the Iranian government with a lot more vacancies than anticipated.
The move is viewed by analysts as the Ayatollah’s first significant reform since taking office—a position he inherited several weeks ago, after the previous Supreme Leader and nearly everyone else with a beard and a title were vaporized in what state media has softly called “an unfortunate RSVP oversight.” According to sources inside the regime, the CIA found the entire Iranian leadership after intercepting a Gmail invite with the subject line: “Harem Party—BYO Hookah, Snacks Provided, Address Below.”
“We must adapt, comrades,” the Ayatollah announced in a televised address to the remaining clerics. “The enemies of the revolution read their emails. From now on, all invitations will simply read, ‘You know the place.’ If you don’t, you don’t belong there.”
The policy shift has sparked confusion among the surviving members of the Guardian Council, many of whom reportedly rely on Google Maps to navigate Tehran’s maze of secret palace driveways. “How am I supposed to find the party without a pin drop?” complained Councilman
Ali Rezaei, moments before realizing he was speaking to a Reuters correspondent and not his Uber driver.
Meanwhile, U.S. officials have neither confirmed nor denied whether the CIA’s new Counter-Party Operations division is actively monitoring Iranian party-planning apps and WhatsApp groups. “We respect all cultures and their traditions,” said an unnamed official. “We just prefer when their parties have very clear, GPS-enabled directions.”
As for the Ayatollah, he remains undeterred. “We will party on,” he vowed. “Even if no one knows where to show up. It’s not about the location. It’s about the principle. And, of course, the harem chicks.”
At press time, several Guardian Council members were seen loitering outside an abandoned kebab shop, anxiously checking their phones for clues to the next harem party, while a Predator drone circled overhead—just in case someone decided to drop a pin.
