Coeur d’Alene, ID. — Senate Majority Leader John Thune has reportedly secured a post-retirement office for Mitch McConnell in the attic of the legendary Bates Motel. Sources tout “ample privacy, strong WiFi, and charm”—all rare in federal buildings.
Senator McConnell, freshly 104 (give or take a decade, depending on which Kentucky birth certificate you accept), remains at the center of health rumors—and, in some circles, debates about his vital status. “Mitch hasn’t blinked since 2019,” whispered an anonymous staffer. “He’s either the ultimate professional or a marionette.”
The Bates Motel choice raised eyebrows due to its attic history, a nod to its role in the classic horror film ‘Psycho,’ where unsettling events took place. “We thought it was a quiet spot for Mitch to keep up with paperwork—or whatever ex-Senators do,” said Thune. On the motel’s connection to the dearly departed, referencing the plot where Norman Bates tended to his mother, Thune added, “Norman Bates is the expert.”
Residents report sightings: a shadowy figure in glasses and a suit shuffling past the attic window. “I thought it was Norman’s mother,” said a neighbor, “but with more jowls.”
Rumors swirl that Thune enjoys dressing as McConnell. Motel staff caught him rehearsing floor speeches and perfecting the slow nod. “Uncanny,” said the front desk clerk.
Asked for comment, Thune denied any plans to become McConnell. “I admire his gravitas—and his survival skills. Besides, the attic’s taken.”
McConnell remains unflappable, sending handwritten notes: “Reports of my demise exaggerated. Send bourbon. And a dehumidifier.”
