In a surprising move that has left international observers reciting their rosaries and scratching their heads, Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu has reportedly convinced President Trump that the greatest next threat to world peace is no longer merely lurking in the Middle East but rather in the authoritarian halls of Vatican City, led by the shadowy and “potentially dangerous” Pope Leo XIV.
People close to the administration say Trump was initially hesitant, questioning whether the Vatican had “enough nukes or at least really big churches.” After a presentation featuring dramatic chanting, photos of the guards in colorful uniforms, and an image of the Pope riding a missile, Trump was convinced. “No one’s talking about the Vatican, folks. Why not? What are they hiding? There’s a lot of gold there, I hear. Maybe even some very old international secrets,” Trump told reporters. He then mistakenly referred to the Pope as “Leo the Fourteenth, great guy, strong name. Maybe too strong.”
The president’s national security team scrambled to keep up, dispatching Jared Kushner to Rome with a stack of quick executive orders and tickets to a Villanova basketball game “as a gesture of goodwill.” Meanwhile, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt downplayed concerns, saying, “Look, the Pope has been involved in a lot of things. You don’t become Pope Leo the Fourteenth without knowing how to pull some strings. We’re just exploring all options.”
Israel, for its part, has denied any manipulation, saying only “Vatican City is a very small place, but sometimes the smallest nations have the biggest impact.” Prime Minister Netanyahu was seen leaving a meeting with Trump, carrying a funny, oversized papal hat and a T-shirt that said: “I Went to Rome and All I Got Was a Signed Photo of the Catholic Dictator.”
Regarding Pope Leo XIV, sources inside the Vatican say he is “bemused but flattered” by the attention and that he has no plans for world domination “this fiscal year.” The Pope has called for unity, prayer, and perhaps a little common sense, while reminding everyone that the only weapons his Swiss Guards carry is a sense of outdated fashion.
At press time, Trump mulled drone surveillance over St. Peter’s Basilica and asked aides if Vatican City has “good golf courses or just a lot of old paintings and sculptures.”
