In a move that shocked nobody and who’s ever wondered what really happens behind those imposing marble columns, the Supreme Court of the United States has admitted that, yes, they’re all “usually getting pretty ‘loosey-goosey’ at Kavanaugh’s house” while making any major term decisions.
Chief Justice John Roberts, looking unusually relaxed in an untucked Hawaiian shirt, told reporters, “We tried making rulings sober for a while, but honestly, it just didn’t feel right. Brett’s got this kegerator at his house—imported from Germany, mind you—and once you’ve had a few IPAs on his patio, suddenly federal law rulings get a lot more…flexible.”
Justice Elena Kagan, clutching a Solo cup and giggling, confirmed the tradition. “It started out as a Friday thing, but now, let’s be real—if we’re in session, we’re at Brett’s. The man’s fridge is 80% Bud Light Lime, 20% leftover birthday cake. That’s jurisprudence, baby.”
When asked if this boozy camaraderie affected the court’s work, Justice Clarence Thomas shrugged. “I mean, you try writing a 50-page dissent without a little bourbon. Plus, Kavanaugh makes this wild Jell-O shot pyramid thing. I don’t even remember half of last term. Something about voting rights?”
Justice Sonia Sotomayor chimed in from Kavanaugh’s backyard hot tub while donning a revealing bikini, “We’ve had some of our most productive debates after Brett’s third round of margaritas. Sure, sometimes the opinions are legally questionable, but the karaoke is always unanimous.”
Legal scholars have scrambled to interpret the implications. “This explains a lot,” said one constitutional law professor. “Like why the Dobbs decision was written on the back of a Taco Bell napkin and signed ‘Love, The Gang of 9.’”
Kavanaugh himself remains unapologetic. “Look, I like beer. I still like beer. And if you think a little tequila sunrise never inspired a landmark ruling, you’ve clearly never been to my Super Bowl party. Now, who wants another Jell-O shot?”
With next term’s docket looming, the nation waits with perhaps just a hangover, wondering what the highest court in the land will do after a few more rounds at Brett’s place.
