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Category: Religion
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In Blistering Social Media Post, God Responds to “Dinkie Donny’s” Criticism of Pope
HEAVEN—In a rare break from ages of celestial silence, God took to social media Monday morning to address President Donald J. Trump’s recent tirade against Pope Leo XIV, issuing a statement that left theologians and Facebook users alike scrambling for their Bibles and God speak translation dictionaries. “Just saw ‘Dinkie Donny’ blabbering about my guy…
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God says He and Trump not talked since before first Epstein Party, and particularly not About War
Heaven — In an exclusive revelation that’s left theologians and White House press secretaries scrambling for new talking points, God announced Tuesday that He has not spoken to Donald Trump “since sometime before the guest list for that first Epstein party went out.” The statement came just hours after President Trump boldly asserted, “God is…
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First U.S. Pope Schedules Speech in Broken English to Appeal to More Traditional Catholics
VATICAN CITY — Newly elected Pope Leo XIV announced his next papal address will be delivered in intentionally broken English—a bold move aimed at comforting traditional Catholics who miss the days when Vatican pronouncements were anything but clear. Pope Leo XIV, formerly Robert Francis Prevost, known as “Little Bobby-Franny,” in his hometown neighborhood in Chi-town,…
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Ayatollah Tells Paradise Greeter He Specifically Remembers Being Promised 72 Only Female Virgins
In sources describing it as an “awkward celestial encounter,” the recently deceased Iranian Ayatollah Ali Khamenei reportedly faced paradise on Wednesday, allegedly to clarify what the holy man called a “clear case of divine fuck-up.” Khamenei, who was killed during a U.S. bombing mission in the early days of the latest Iran-U.S. war, allegedly expected…
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AI Chat Bot Says Jesus “Completely Full of Shit” With His Beatitudes Speech
In what theologians are calling “a bold exercise in algorithmic hubris,” the world’s most advanced AI search bot issued a blistering statement this week, declaring Jesus “completely full of shit” after parsing the Sermon on the Mount. The announcement, released via a 3,000-word medium post and a meme-laden Twitter thread, specifically targeted the Beatitudes—a set…
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