Heaven — In an exclusive revelation that’s left theologians and White House press secretaries scrambling for new talking points, God announced Tuesday that He has not spoken to Donald Trump “since sometime before the guest list for that first Epstein party went out.” The statement came just hours after President Trump boldly asserted, “God is totally on America’s side in the Iran war, everyone’s saying it,” in a televised address that included three references to “big, beautiful missiles” and an aside about “the Book of Covfefe.”
“Honestly, I haven’t heard from Donald in decades,” God clarified in a rare press release, delivered by a startled archangel and promptly faxed to the Vatican, CNN, and Mar-a-Lago. “Last time we spoke, he was still asking whether the Old Testament was the one with the talking snake or the boat with the animals. I told him, ‘Don, you really ought to read the whole thing, not just the gold parts.’”
The Almighty, whose omniscience famously includes “all DMs, prayers, and late-night Google searches,” expressed confusion at the recent uptick in divine name-dropping from the Oval Office. “It’s flattering, I suppose, but I can’t take credit for America’s foreign policy. I barely survived that prayer breakfast where he tried to get me to endorse Trump Steaks.”
Trump, whose attempts to present himself as a model Christian have included holding Bibles upside down, misquoting Corinthians as “Two Corinthians,” and once asking whether communion wafers came in ‘Trump Tower gold,’ has often cited his “very special relationship” with God. “We talk all the time,” Trump insisted last week. “He’s a big fan. He told me, ‘Don, nobody builds walls like you.’”
God, for His part, seemed to remember things a little differently. “I don’t recall saying that. I did try to give him some advice about humility and forgiveness, but he was mostly interested in whether I could get him courtside seats in Jerusalem, or at least a good deal on some holy water for his next real estate project.”
Asked whether He would intervene in the current conflict in Iran, God was circumspect. “Look, I’m not interested in taking sides. I’ve seen how these things go down. The last time I intervened in a Trump situation was right before that first Epstein party, and honestly, I haven’t wanted to check my voicemail since.”
The news has sent shockwaves through Trump’s inner circle, with spiritual advisor Paula White reportedly seen Googling “How to get God to call you back” and “Divine PR crisis management.” Meanwhile, White House officials have quietly begun compiling a list of alternative deities to consult, including Zeus, Odin, and the ghost of Ronald Reagan.
As for the President, he seems unfazed. “God’s just playing hard to get,” Trump told reporters. “But I know He’s watching. Probably from one of my hotels. I give Him the best rates.”
