In sources describing it as an “awkward celestial encounter,” the recently deceased Iranian Ayatollah Ali Khamenei reportedly faced paradise on Wednesday, allegedly to clarify what the holy man called a “clear case of divine fuck-up.”
Khamenei, who was killed during a U.S. bombing mission in the early days of the latest Iran-U.S. war, allegedly expected the long-promised heavenly reward upon his arrival in paradise—a full roster of 72 female virgins, as part of the classic Muslim religious marketing campaign. Instead, the ayatollah was greeted by what he later described as “an assortment of different gendered virgins,” including several chess enthusiasts from Minsk, two former backup dancers for Britney Spears, and “at least a dozen American guys named Marvin.”
“I specifically remember requesting 72 ONLY FEMALE virgins,” Khamenei was heard complaining, his voice echoing through the marble halls of the afterlife’s customer service department. “If I wanted a bunch of guys in cargo shorts, I could have just stayed on Earth. There’s got to be some kind of ticketing system here.
Eyewitnesses say Osama bin Laden, who apparently handles onboarding for new arrivals, seemed unfazed by the complaint, calmly flipping through a battered clipboard. “We’re running a little behind on fulfillment,” he explained. “The supply chain’s been a mess ever since the Crusades. And honestly, the paperwork on gender-specific requests is a nightmare.”
According to heavenly sources, Khamenei tried to escalate the issue to upper management but was instead caught in an endless loop of harp music and automated greetings promising, “Your eternal bliss is very important to us.” He later posted a two-star review on Heaven’s internal feedback portal, noting: “Great ambiance, but the rewards were not as advertised.”
The incident has sparked debate among recently arrived martyrs, some of whom are reportedly considering protesting for better posthumous benefits, including, but not limited to, more explicit ordering forms and “at least one X-box.”
As of press time, Khamenei was last seen attempting to trade three Marvins and a chess enthusiast for “anyone from Tinder.”
