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Category: Editor’s Top Picks
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F.C.C. Chair Threatens Suit with D.C. Chinese Buffet Over President’s Unfavorable Cookie Fortune
During a recent Fox News interview, the FCC Chair promised legal action after President Trump received a fortune cookie that read, “You may soon unexpectedly face the consequences of your actions, maybe in the mid-term elections.” Sources say the President immediately asked whether the kitchen staff was “part of the deep state.” Aides said the…
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Supporters Still Patiently Awaiting Campaign Promise of Free Tickets to “Gullible’s Getaway Weekend”
PALM BEACH, FL — For the seventh consecutive year, diehard MAGA enthusiasts nationwide are clinging to hope that their long-awaited campaign promise of an all-expense-paid weekend at Mar-a-Lago for the “Gullibles Getaway Weekend”—a resort package repeatedly teased by Donald Trump at campaign rallies and promised in exchange for their vote—will finally come to fruition. The…
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TKC Takes 2 Year Hiatus After Trump Announces He’s Lead Ballerina for 2026 Nutcracker
In an announcement that spread across social media faster than a ballerina on Black Friday, former President Donald Trump told the Trump-Kennedy Center’s director that he will indeed be headlining next year’s Nutcracker as the lead ballerina. The news broke late Tuesday, along with a photo of Trump in a pink tutu and diamond-studded pointe…
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Americans Begin Anxious Wait to See Who Billionaires Elect for Them This November
In a long-standing tradition that dates back to the creation of money, millions of Americans are now anxiously waiting to see which billionaires will choose the next politicians to represent them this November. With the Democratic and Republican primaries nearly decided, attention has shifted to the real contest: a handful of Silicon Valley moguls, hedge…
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Ayatollah Tells Paradise Greeter He Specifically Remembers Being Promised 72 Only Female Virgins
In sources describing it as an “awkward celestial encounter,” the recently deceased Iranian Ayatollah Ali Khamenei reportedly faced paradise on Wednesday, allegedly to clarify what the holy man called a “clear case of divine fuck-up.” Khamenei, who was killed during a U.S. bombing mission in the early days of the latest Iran-U.S. war, allegedly expected…
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National Minority Group Reports First Decline in Population of “Crackers and Peckerwoods” Since 1790
In a move that has left historians, demographers, and several cranky Facebook uncles angry, the National Minority Group announced on Thursday that the United States has experienced its first recorded decline in the population of “Crackers and Peckerwoods” since the very first census in 1790. The report, delivered with the somber gravity usually reserved for…
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MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
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Patel Takes Houthis Off Watch List, Says Word Too Hard to Say After Drinking
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Trump’s New Tehran Luxury Hotel Demand Disrupts U.S.- Iranian Nuclear Talks
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined