During a recent Fox News interview, the FCC Chair promised legal action after President Trump received a fortune cookie that read, “You may soon unexpectedly face the consequences of your actions, maybe in the mid-term elections.” Sources say the President immediately asked whether the kitchen staff was “part of the deep state.”
Aides said the President was “visibly shaken” and “pouting so hard he fogged the tableware.” He called the incident “the worst attack on my appetite since the Diet Coke shortage of 2018.” Staff tried to correct the slip with “You will build the greatest wall of all time, most handsome boy,” but the damage was already done.
F.C.C. Chair Brendan Carr, who frequently threatens TV licenses over negative Trump coverage, spoke Thursday: “This is about national security, free speech, and damn it, the President’s feelings,” he said from a podium adorned with American flags—and a giant fortune cookie. “If China thinks it can get away with this, they’re wrong. Not even in a cookie.”
Critics claim the F.C.C. threatens broadcasters’ licenses unless coverage remains completely positive. One TV executive, speaking anonymously, said: “We’re told to run every story past the White House—last week, we nearly lost our license for calling him ‘President Trump’ instead of ‘America’s Sweetest, Bestest, Smartest, Most Handsome, Thinnest Man.’”
Insiders say the President hasn’t recovered from the “trauma” and has now banned all baked goods from White House events unless Hostess agrees to provide a signed loyalty oath. “He’s really just a big kid,” a senior official said anonymously. “If he gets a bad parking spot, it’s a fucking constitutional crisis. Imagine his dessert talking back.”
Chinese officials seemed unbothered by the F.C.C. threat. A spokesman said, “We regret the President did not enjoy his fortune. Next time, we’ll send a cookie with only AI-generated pictures of him with a bare-chested Putin. Or a dinner participation trophy.”
The F.C.C. is reportedly considering a rule requiring all fortune cookies to predict only “bigly” victories for the President. Meanwhile, the National Association of Broadcasters has been instructed to send China the W.H. list of approved compliments.
