In a long-standing tradition that dates back to the creation of money, millions of Americans are now anxiously waiting to see which billionaires will choose the next politicians to represent them this November.
With the Democratic and Republican primaries nearly decided, attention has shifted to the real contest: a handful of Silicon Valley moguls, hedge fund managers, and legacy heirs frantically texting their preferred candidates’ campaign managers while sipping ethically sourced unicorn milk on private jets. “It’s a sacred process,” explained one political analyst, “wherein the people’s voice is carefully filtered through several layers of Super PACs, dark money, and vintage Bordeaux before finally reaching the candidate’s earpiece.”
Across the country, ordinary citizens are glued to their screens, refreshing news feeds for the latest updates on whose yacht fundraiser had the most decadent shrimp tower and which mega-donor has threatened to move to New Zealand if their candidate doesn’t win. “I just want to know who my next leader will be,” said Amanda Miller, a nurse in Ohio. “I mean, I meaninglessly voted in the primary, but now it’s really out of my hands. I just hope Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk can work something out, for all our sakes.”
Meanwhile, candidates themselves have been seen in increasingly desperate attempts to win over their supporters, including promising to name bridges after them, offering the vice presidency to their preferred NFT, and even suggesting new national holidays in honor of their favorite private equity firms. “We’re a nation of the people, by the people, as interpreted by people with Gulfstream jets,” said one campaign spokesperson, before being whisked away in a limousine powered by burning stacks of small bills.
Political scientists warn that the American people might experience a slight sense of whiplash as they try to keep pace with the shifting loyalties of the ultra-wealthy. “It’s like fantasy football,” said Dr. Mark Levinson, professor of political science at Yale. “Except instead of touchdowns, you win by buying enough senators to change tax policy. And everyone else just kind of watches from the sidelines, eating stale popcorn.”
As November nears, the nation waits breathlessly for the moment when a select group of billionaires will emerge from their climate-controlled bunkers, yachts, and private jets to announce, via a coordinated Instagram reel, who will be allowed to govern for the next four years. Until then, Americans are encouraged to stay calm, trust the process, and maybe consider Canadian citizenship—just in case their preferred billionaire’s choice doesn’t pan out.
