HEAVEN—In a rare break from ages of celestial silence, God took to social media Monday morning to address President Donald J. Trump’s recent tirade against Pope Leo XIV, issuing a statement that left theologians and Facebook users alike scrambling for their Bibles and God speak translation dictionaries.
“Just saw ‘Dinkie Donny’ blabbering about my guy Leo again,” God posted, his message appearing simultaneously on Twitter, Truth Social, and—after a brief server crash—MySpace. “Let’s be clear: I don’t usually get involved in politics, but when someone who thinks Corinthians is a Greek restaurant starts critiquing my ordained appointments, it’s time to set the record straight.”
The divine intervention came after President Trump, speaking on the Air Force One tarmac and later on cable news, lambasted Pope Leo XIV for being “soft on crime,” “not very good at international affairs,” and “a total lightweight—probably wouldn’t even get past the first round on Celebrity Apprentice: Vatican Edition.” Trump further claimed credit for the Pope’s election, stating, “If it weren’t for my endorsement, Leo would still be just some guy blessing pigeons and dogs in Chicago.”
God, who has previously maintained a strict “no comment” policy on earthly squabbles, couldn’t resist weighing in. “For the record, I don’t take endorsements from people who once thought the Book of Job was a résumé guide,” He wrote, pausing only to like a tweet from @Pontifex and post a meme of a golden calf in a red hat. “Also: I pick Popes, not TV ratings.”
The Almighty’s use of the moniker “Dinkie Donny” raised eyebrows, but Heaven’s press secretary later clarified that “dinkie” is an ancient term meaning “one who mistakes Truth Social posts for prayer and orange self-tan for anointing oil.” Biblical scholars agreed, noting that the Book of Proverbs contains several indirect references to “men of dinkie disposition, who boast mightily yet knoweth not the difference between a bishop and a bishopric.”
Pope Leo XIV, for his part, responded to the kerfuffle with characteristic humility. “I pray for all world leaders—even those who think Vatican City is a golf course,” he said, adding, “May God grant them wisdom, or at least some free tickets to a Villanova basketball game.”
The Vatican declined to comment on rumors that God is considering blocking Trump’s account, but sources close to St. Peter say a new “No Boasting” commandment is currently in draft. As for President Trump, he remained undeterred, insisting, “God and I have a great relationship—some say the best. He calls ME ‘sir’, folks. Honest.”
At press time, God was reportedly seen updating His privacy settings and searching for the “smitten” button.
