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Category: U.S. News
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In Blistering Social Media Post, God Responds to “Dinkie Donny’s” Criticism of Pope
HEAVEN—In a rare break from ages of celestial silence, God took to social media Monday morning to address President Donald J. Trump’s recent tirade against Pope Leo XIV, issuing a statement that left theologians and Facebook users alike scrambling for their Bibles and God speak translation dictionaries. “Just saw ‘Dinkie Donny’ blabbering about my guy…
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Trump Properties Awarded Contract to Manage Toll Booth and New McDonald’s at “Golden Arches de Trump”
The federal government announced today that Trump Properties, Inc. has been awarded a “lifetime contract” to manage both the toll booth and a new McDonald’s at the newly proposed majestic Golden Arches de Trump. The monument, a seventy-story fusion of fast food and self-aggrandizement, was recently proposed by President Donald J. Trump as a “historic,…
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SCOTUS Admits They All “Usually Been Drinking at Kavanaugh’s” While Making New Term Decisions
In a move that shocked nobody and who’s ever wondered what really happens behind those imposing marble columns, the Supreme Court of the United States has admitted that, yes, they’re all “usually getting pretty ‘loosey-goosey’ at Kavanaugh’s house” while making any major term decisions. Chief Justice John Roberts, looking unusually relaxed in an untucked Hawaiian…
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Netanyahu Convinces Trump, Pope Leo, and Vatican City Next “Imminent Threat”
In a surprising move that has left international observers reciting their rosaries and scratching their heads, Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu has reportedly convinced President Trump that the greatest next threat to world peace is no longer merely lurking in the Middle East but rather in the authoritarian halls of Vatican City, led by the shadowy…
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F.C.C. Chair Threatens Suit with D.C. Chinese Buffet Over President’s Unfavorable Cookie Fortune
During a recent Fox News interview, the FCC Chair promised legal action after President Trump received a fortune cookie that read, “You may soon unexpectedly face the consequences of your actions, maybe in the mid-term elections.” Sources say the President immediately asked whether the kitchen staff was “part of the deep state.” Aides said the…
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ICE Begins National Raids on Any Venue Hiding a Taco Tuesday on Their Menu
In a sweeping escalation of its immigration enforcement efforts, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents fanned out across the country Tuesday, targeting a new hotbed of “suspicious activity”: restaurants, college dining halls, and even PTA potlucks that dared to offer Taco Tuesday specials. According to sources inside ICE, the move is part of Operation…
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MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined
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Trump Fumes as Ship Transporting Paddleballs Destined for Administration Staff, Detained in Hormuz
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Trump Nominates “Little” Vinny DeVito, Miami Serve-Pro Wet-vac Technician, to Lead FEMA