The federal government announced today that Trump Properties, Inc. has been awarded a “lifetime contract” to manage both the toll booth and a new McDonald’s at the newly proposed majestic Golden Arches de Trump. The monument, a seventy-story fusion of fast food and self-aggrandizement, was recently proposed by President Donald J. Trump as a “historic, beautiful, really incredible, great fast food and a tribute” to himself, rather than to the brave men and women who have given their lives for their country, as is the case with the French Arc de Triomphe.
Construction of the Trump Triumphal Arch is scheduled to begin this summer, looming above a busy D.C. thoroughfare “like a monument to fast food and ego.” The Arch sports twin golden arches, a 24-hour drive-thru, and an “executive VIP lane” for those ready to pay $500. “Only the most tremendous arches for the most tremendous people,” Trump boasted, hoisting a half-eaten Quarter Pounder as if inaugurating a new era.
White House insiders described a “rigorous” contract selection process: a few rounds of golf with donors, Happy Meal toys, and questions about conflicts of interest. “It’s just good business,” Trump said. “Nobody knows arches as I do. I’ve eaten McDonald’s for years. Some say I invented the Filet-O-Fish. Tremendous sandwich.”
Inside, the centerpiece McDonald’s serves “the real American diet”: Big Macs, fries, and MAGA-nuggets shaped like red hats. Orders come with Trump bobble-head toys—ideal for kids, collectors, and future Congressional subcommittees. The “Covfefe latte”? Just coffee with foamy cream and a side of grift.
Critics call it “America’s most blatant cash grab.” Each car pays a toll, a ketchup surcharge, and a $50 donation to the Trump “Library” Fund. “It’s not a grift, it’s economic genius,” Trump tweeted. “Tolls pay the arches; arches pay me. Entrepreneurialism. Look it up.”
Federal ethics watchdogs expressed alarm but were abruptly redirected to the new “Trump Fries Quality Assurance Task Force.” The National Park Service wasted no time declaring the Arch a “Heritage Site of Unprecedented Greatness,” complete with bronze plaques for each Trump and exclusive golf cart parking.
Asked if it’s a monument to ego, Trump grinned. “Lincoln got a chair. Washington got a pointy thing. I get arches, fries, and the best toll booth ever. Winning.”
