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Category: U.S. News
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Patel Commandeers FBI 747 to Hear Girlfriend Hum National Anthem While on Route to St. Thomas
Washington, D.C. — FBI Director Kash Patel reportedly diverted the Bureau’s only Boeing 747—affectionately known in agency circles as “Big Blue Justice”—so he could listen to his girlfriend hum the national anthem somewhere over the Caribbean. According to sources who definitely don’t have a grudge against Patel for replacing the office Keurig with cold brew…
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Man Who Says He’s “Sick of Stupid” Pulls Costumed Bulldog Through Capitol
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Thom Tillis (R-NC) made headlines Tuesday after he was spotted dragging a bulldog clad in a feather boa, Mardi Gras beads, and what sources described as “the world’s tiniest top hat” through the halls of the U.S. Capitol in a cart adorned with tinsel and an alarming amount of glitter. The…
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DHS Pick Mullin Boasts of ‘Special Assignments’ Abroad, Alludes He Once Dated ‘Pussy Galore’
Washington, D.C. — President Trump announced today that Oklahoma Senator Markwayne “Skeeter” Mullin is his pick for Secretary of Homeland Security. The nomination, widely seen as a nod to America’s love of rugged individualism and men who allegedly own more camo than furniture, has already sparked controversy — not least because of Mullin’s mysterious references…
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Trump Says Americans Must Learn To Be Happy with Overpriced Happy Meal Without Toy
In a bold move, President Donald Trump addressed the nation from the Oval Office, telling Americans to “embrace the joy of an overpriced Happy Meal with absolutely no toy inside,” as the country faces yet another round of inflation. Trump pressed on, emphasizing the new reality. “Look, folks, we have the best Happy Meals. Tremendous…
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Democrats’ Response to SOU Indicates They Apparently Not Interested in Winning Midterms
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the latest sign that congressional Democrats are embracing defeat like a weighted blanket, Virginia Governor Abigail Spanberger delivered the party’s official response to President Trump’s State of the Union Address Wednesday night, leaving viewers across the nation wondering if Democrats have simply decided that winning elections is just overrated. Spanberger, who…
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TKC Takes 2 Year Hiatus After Trump Announces He’s Lead Ballerina for 2026 Nutcracker
In an announcement that spread across social media faster than a ballerina on Black Friday, former President Donald Trump told the Trump-Kennedy Center’s director that he will indeed be headlining next year’s Nutcracker as the lead ballerina. The news broke late Tuesday, along with a photo of Trump in a pink tutu and diamond-studded pointe…
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MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
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Patel Takes Houthis Off Watch List, Says Word Too Hard to Say After Drinking
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Trump’s New Tehran Luxury Hotel Demand Disrupts U.S.- Iranian Nuclear Talks
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined