WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Thom Tillis (R-NC) made headlines Tuesday after he was spotted dragging a bulldog clad in a feather boa, Mardi Gras beads, and what sources described as “the world’s tiniest top hat” through the halls of the U.S. Capitol in a cart adorned with tinsel and an alarming amount of glitter. The spectacle, reportedly part of the annual Mardi Gras Parade at the Capitol Building, quickly drew stares, phone cameras, and at least one congressional aide who asked if this was “another TikTok trend, or just a cry for help.”
“I’m sick of stupid,” Tillis declared, pausing to adjust a gold mask on the bulldog, who appeared to be desperately seeking an exit. “If I have to sit through one more committee meeting about committee meetings, I’ll start throwing beads from the Senate gallery. This dog has more common sense than half of Congress.” The bulldog, for its part, seemed to nod in agreement or, possibly, succumb to the weight of its costume.
Eyewitnesses say the senator’s float—built on what looked suspiciously like a repurposed office mail cart—featured a cardboard sign reading “Parade of Logic: Now Accepting Applications.” Atop the cart, a papier-mâché bust of James Madison wore a necklace reading “Party Animal.” Bystanders were heard asking whether this was a carefully crafted metaphor or just the result of a lost office bet.
Security was reportedly unfazed by the parade, noting that “as long as nobody’s juggling flaming gavels, it’s a slow day.” Capitol police confirmed the only real disturbance was the bulldog’s enthusiastic attempts to chase down a lobbyist dressed as a crawfish, which, sources say, “added more dignity to the event than usual.”
Tillis, never one to miss a teachable moment, handed out pamphlets titled “How Not To Be Dumb: A Pocket Guide For Lawmakers.” The pamphlets were snatched up eagerly by at least three freshmen Representatives, who seemed disappointed to discover the pages were blank except for a doodle of the bulldog in a judge’s robe.
When asked if he thought his parade would inspire real legislative change, Tillis shrugged. “If nothing else, I’ve proven you can get more bipartisanship with a bulldog and a cart than you can with a bipartisan committee. Plus, he doesn’t interrupt when I’m talking.” The bulldog, sensing its fifteen minutes of fame, rolled its eyes and accepted another treat.
