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Category: U.S. News
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NY Jets Sign Joey Chestnut in Third Round QB Pick
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — In a move that left both sports analysts and nutritionists scratching their heads, the New York Jets stunned fans Friday night by selecting professional eater Joey Chestnut as their third-round quarterback pick in the 2026 NFL Draft. Chestnut, best known for devouring 76 hot dogs in ten minutes at the Coney…
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D.C. Law Firms Agree to Trump’s Demand That Staff Dress Like Pinocchio During Federal Court Appearances
Several top Washington, D.C., law firms have agreed to President Trump’s new rule: attorneys opposing the administration in federal court must appear dressed as Pinocchio. Effective immediately, this means suspenders, short pants, and, most importantly, a prosthetic nose that grows during cross-examinations and is remotely controlled by the Department of Justice in the Office of…
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Remaining FEMA Staff Re-assigned to “Rescuing” Food Truck Owners “Swamped” During D.C. Lunch Hour
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move likely to redefine the concept of “emergency response,” the Department of Homeland Security announced this morning that it has relocated the last of FEMA’s available staff to the National Mall, where local food truck owners are described as “overwhelmed, under-cilantro’d, and completely drowning in declined Venmo payments” during…
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Sesame Street Characters Strike Deal to Deliver President’s Daily National Security Briefings
In an unprecedented move that has left both intelligence officials and puppeteers scratching their heads, the beloved cast of Sesame Street has reportedly inked a deal to deliver the President’s daily national security briefing pro bono—in exchange for a promise not to defund PBS. Sources close to the negotiations say the arrangement was struck late…
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Californians Vote to Allow “Critical Karen Theory” to be Taught in State Elementary Classrooms
In a move that shocked no one, California voters yesterday overwhelmingly approved a ballot measure requiring all elementary schools to teach “Critical Karen Theory” (CKT) alongside math, reading, and composting. The new curriculum aims to help children recognize, confront, and, if necessary, politely request to speak to the manager about “Karen” behavior before it spreads.…
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National Minority Group Reports First Decline in Population of “Crackers and Peckerwoods” Since 1790
In a move that has left historians, demographers, and several cranky Facebook uncles angry, the National Minority Group announced on Thursday that the United States has experienced its first recorded decline in the population of “Crackers and Peckerwoods” since the very first census in 1790. The report, delivered with the somber gravity usually reserved for…
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined
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Trump Fumes as Ship Transporting Paddleballs Destined for Administration Staff, Detained in Hormuz
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Trump Nominates “Little” Vinny DeVito, Miami Serve-Pro Wet-vac Technician, to Lead FEMA