In an unprecedented move that has left both intelligence officials and puppeteers scratching their heads, the beloved cast of Sesame Street has reportedly inked a deal to deliver the President’s daily national security briefing pro bono—in exchange for a promise not to defund PBS. Sources close to the negotiations say the arrangement was struck late last night after President Trump, citing “simple, easily understood explanations given by tremendously smart puppets,” agreed to the proposal on the condition that Oscar the Grouch personally explain the nuclear triad.
The deal, brokered by Big Bird’s longtime agent and Oscar the Grouch’s trashcan lobbyist, was reached after months of tense debate over public broadcasting funds. According to those familiar with the talks, the final sticking point was whether Snuffleupagus would be allowed in classified briefings, given that most senior White House staff still aren’t convinced he’s real.
“Today’s children’s programming understands the importance of national security,” said Bert, who will serve as acting Director of Intelligence, at a press conference where he wore a very serious tie. “We’ve already color-coded the terror alert system: Red is for monsters, yellow is for rubber duckies, and green is for when Cookie Monster eats the evidence.”
Ernie, who sources say will focus on cyber threats, has reportedly created a new “Duckie Defense Protocol” based on quacking at suspicious emails until they go away. “If we can teach kids about sharing, we can teach world leaders about sharing intelligence,” Ernie said, holding up a chart with stick figures and arrows pointing to a cookie.
White House insiders say President Trump was initially skeptical, reportedly asking if Elmo could be trusted with “the big red button.” After a brief demonstration where Elmo explained mutually assured destruction using two juice boxes and a sock puppet, the President was heard to say, “That’s the best explanation I’ve ever gotten. Much better than that other guy. What’s his name? General something-or-other.”
As part of the agreement, the President will receive daily briefings that include puppet reenactments of global hotspots, a “Letter of the Day” from the Joint Chiefs, and a closing segment on how the alphabet can be used as a code. Sesame Street representatives say they’re simply happy to contribute—as long as no one lets Oscar handle the nuclear football.
Meanwhile, PBS executives remain cautiously optimistic. “We’re grateful the President values educational programming,” said one executive, “and we hope this will lead to more collaborations. Next: a special session with the president explaining the Electoral College, by Grover and Statler and Waldorf.”
