Several top Washington, D.C., law firms have agreed to President Trump’s new rule: attorneys opposing the administration in federal court must appear dressed as Pinocchio. Effective immediately, this means suspenders, short pants, and, most importantly, a prosthetic nose that grows during cross-examinations and is remotely controlled by the Department of Justice in the Office of the Attorney General.
Negotiations were tense. One managing partner threatened to resign over losing his shoes. “We tried to push back,” said Geppetto & Sons senior associate Taylor Birch, “but Trump was insistent. He wants the court to see who’s telling the truth.”
The president called it “a great victory for transparency.” Showing off the signed Executive Order, he said, “Now, with these tremendous noses, we’ll have proof when lawyers lie. Real proof. The best proof.” He added, “Lying lawyers should worry about termites.”
Legal experts are split. Some call it a due process violation; others say it’s the most honest depiction of the legal profession in years. “Let’s not kid ourselves,” said Georgetown Law professor Ima Shyster. “This levels the field. Plus, the hats are just fucking cute.”
Junior associates have mixed feelings. “At first, it seemed humiliating,” said one. “But maybe if I work hard and tell the truth, I’ll turn into a real attorney someday. That’s the dream.”
Other firms are following suit to curry the president’s favor before formal negotiations are initiated. One is trialing wolf costumes for divorce lawyers. Another is launching a ‘Fairy Godlawyer’ mentorship. “We’re just trying to get ahead of the inevitable,” said the managing partner of Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Shyster, and McCormick.
