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Category: U.S. News
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U.S. Fertility Rates Drop Again as Southern States Raise Legal Marriage Age to 16
In a shocking move that experts say could threaten the very fabric of America’s leading supplier of shotgun weddings, several Southern states have boldly decided to raise the legal marriage age to 16—effectively dashing the hopes and dreams of every lovestruck 8th grader from Biloxi to Backwater County. The new law, which comes after decades…
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Bible Now on Mandatory Reading List for All 15 Years of Texas Grade School
AUSTIN, TX — In a bold move to address “educashunal priorities,” Texas lawmakers announced today that the Holy Bible will be a required text for every year of the state’s voluntary K-12 grade school system—now officially extended to 15 years “for extra learnin’.” The announcement came at a press conference attended by state education officials,…
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Leavitt Flaunts New IEP, says Allows her Extended Time to Make up Believable Stories
WASHINGTON — In a surprise press briefing, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt announced she’s now on an Individualized Education Plan (IEP), giving her 50% extra time to conjure up narratives for the press. “More time to invent realities for you all—now that’s real executive privilege,” Leavitt quipped, waving her new Oval Office hall pass.…
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God says He and Trump not talked since before first Epstein Party, and particularly not About War
Heaven — In an exclusive revelation that’s left theologians and White House press secretaries scrambling for new talking points, God announced Tuesday that He has not spoken to Donald Trump “since sometime before the guest list for that first Epstein party went out.” The statement came just hours after President Trump boldly asserted, “God is…
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Supporters Still Patiently Awaiting Campaign Promise of Free Tickets to “Gullible’s Getaway Weekend”
PALM BEACH, FL — For the seventh consecutive year, diehard MAGA enthusiasts nationwide are clinging to hope that their long-awaited campaign promise of an all-expense-paid weekend at Mar-a-Lago for the “Gullibles Getaway Weekend”—a resort package repeatedly teased by Donald Trump at campaign rallies and promised in exchange for their vote—will finally come to fruition. The…
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Trump Fires Bondi Says, “Wasn’t Aggressively Prosecuting” Prom Date Snub from 1964
In a bizarre twist that even the most seasoned devout MAGA followers are struggling to process, President Donald Trump has fired Attorney General Pam Bondi. The reason? Her alleged failure to “aggressively prosecute” what Trump claims was a life-altering injustice: his supposed snubbing at the 1964 Wharton High School Prom. The Risible reached out to…
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MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined
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Trump Fumes as Ship Transporting Paddleballs Destined for Administration Staff, Detained in Hormuz
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Trump Nominates “Little” Vinny DeVito, Miami Serve-Pro Wet-vac Technician, to Lead FEMA