AUSTIN, TX — In a bold move to address “educashunal priorities,” Texas lawmakers announced today that the Holy Bible will be a required text for every year of the state’s voluntary K-12 grade school system—now officially extended to 15 years “for extra learnin’.” The announcement came at a press conference attended by state education officials, several rodeo clowns, and a cardboard cutout of George Strait.
“Here in Texas, we believe in reading, writing, and Revelations,” declared State Superintendent Buck “Howdy” Rawlins, who then struggled for several minutes to spell “curriculum” for gathered reporters. “The Bible’s got everything: stories, morals, and enough begats to keep our kids busy until they’re old enough to vote or wrangle a gator.”
The plan requires every Texas schoolchild, from kindergarten through “twelfth-and-then-some” grade, to read the Bible cover to cover each year. State-issued “Bible Completion Certificates” will be awarded at graduation ceremonies, provided students can recall at least one commandment and identify which plague involved frogs.
Local Texan and sixth-grade student (for the third time), Billy Ray McStevens, 21, praised the decision. “I reckon it’s good for us,” said Billy Ray, who reports his favorite book is Leviticus, “on account of all the rules about goats.” He added, “I’m hopin’ this year to finally pass spelling and maybe get that ‘Bible King’ sash.”
Critics have questioned whether the new curriculum will actually improve literacy, noting that previous attempts to introduce mandatory reading lists failed when students insisted “Dr. Pepper bottle labels” counted as literature. Others worry the plan will only lengthen the average Texas school career, which currently clocks in at 13.7 years, not counting “bonus summer school.”
Defending the move, Governor Tex “Tex” Jackson cited the Bible’s “historical accuracy, scientific rigor, and handy tips on property management.” He added, “If it was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for Texas. Plus, it’s got more action than them Harry Potter books.”
When asked if students might develop critical thinking skills by reading other works, Rawlins shook his head. “We tried giving ‘em Shakespeare once. They thought it was a new BBQ sauce.”
At press time, Texas legislators were considering making “Duck Dynasty” reruns mandatory viewing for high school seniors, with extra credit awarded for deciphering what Uncle Si is actually saying.
