WASHINGTON — In a surprise press briefing, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt announced she’s now on an Individualized Education Plan (IEP), giving her 50% extra time to conjure up narratives for the press. “More time to invent realities for you all—now that’s real executive privilege,” Leavitt quipped, waving her new Oval Office hall pass.
The IEP, reportedly drafted by Education Secretary Linda McMahon after Thursday’s failed explanation of the President’s whereabouts, includes untimed press conferences, a quiet room for story testing, and a crucial “lie buddy.” “If Karoline needs a few extra minutes to recall which ‘ongoing investigation’ we’re using, so be it,” McMahon said.
Leavitt’s on-the-spot struggles are well known in the West Wing. Dubbed “not the shiniest chandelier” by her predecessors, she once spent 10 minutes explaining the President’s tweet about the nuclear codes. Some WH staff praise her creativity; who else blames rising interest rates on Alabama Tooth Fairy loans? Others suspect she’s winging it.
Under the IEP, Leavitt can now request an “emergency fib” when cornered. “Some are good with numbers, some with policy—Karoline just excels at fiction. We play to our strengths,” a senior advisor said.
Critics call it a cynical way to lower the bar. “Soon she’ll need 72 hours and a fiction team to reply,” sighed a correspondent. “I just want a decent plot twist.”
Leavitt was unfazed, promising an “untimed, possibly fictional” next briefing. She urged the press to submit tough questions early so she could spend time with her accommodations binder.
