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Category: U.S. News
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Tuesdays at the WH—Cabinet Always Giddily Awaits Weekly Play Raid with Eric’s “Injuns”
Just after 3 p.m. every Tuesday, anticipation settles over the West Wing. Cabinet members, exchanging nervous giggles, rummage through the labeled costume trunk always present in the Oval Office and don ten-gallon hats and plastic sheriff badges, resigned to the President’s weekly ritual. At 3:07, a Secret Service agent cracks open the Oval Office door.…
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NASA, Now Trump Intergalactic Property Acquisitions, Inc. Plans Moon Survey for New Trump Hotels
In a press conference today, President Donald J. Trump unveiled the nation’s boldest space initiative since Apollo: a mission to put surveyors—and, more importantly, property survey marks—on the Moon, all in search of prime real estate for the next Trump International Hotel or casino. “We’re going to the Moon, folks, and not just for the…
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Trump Supporters Say Don’t Care About Inflation as Long as Opioid Co-Pays “Still Only $1.”
HUNTINGTON, WV — A new poll conducted this week in Huntington illustrates that local Trump supporters appear unconcerned about soaring grocery prices, gasoline hikes, or the fact that a pack of Marlboros now costs more than a 1998 Honda Civic, so long as Medicaid co-pays for prescription opioids “stay right at a buck.” The poll…
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Thune Rents Retirement Office Space for McConnell in Attic of Bates Motel
Coeur d’Alene, ID. — Senate Majority Leader John Thune has reportedly secured a post-retirement office for Mitch McConnell in the attic of the legendary Bates Motel. Sources tout “ample privacy, strong WiFi, and charm”—all rare in federal buildings. Senator McConnell, freshly 104 (give or take a decade, depending on which Kentucky birth certificate you accept),…
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Trump Keeps Noem on in New Position as National Training Director for Iditarod
In a move that shocked Democrats, Republicans, and the Alaskan sled dog community, President Trump announced today that former DHS Secretary Kristi Noem will stay a key part of his team, this time in the newly created role of National Training Director for the Iditarod. “Kristi has shown she’s not afraid to make tough calls…
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Patel Commandeers FBI 747 to Hear Girlfriend Hum National Anthem While on Route to St. Thomas
Washington, D.C. — FBI Director Kash Patel reportedly diverted the Bureau’s only Boeing 747—affectionately known in agency circles as “Big Blue Justice”—so he could listen to his girlfriend hum the national anthem somewhere over the Caribbean. According to sources who definitely don’t have a grudge against Patel for replacing the office Keurig with cold brew…
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