In a press conference today, President Donald J. Trump unveiled the nation’s boldest space initiative since Apollo: a mission to put surveyors—and, more importantly, property survey marks—on the Moon, all in search of prime real estate for the next Trump International Hotel or casino.
“We’re going to the Moon, folks, and not just for the rocks,” President Trump declared, flanked by gold-plated lunar globes and a cardboard cutout of himself in a spacesuit. “Everyone’s always wanted to know who’d be the first to build up there. Well, it’s going to be me. I’ve always loved the Moon. Tremendous potential for golf courses, especially with no gravity, by the way.”
White House insiders report that, since reactivating NASA’s lunar program, the agency has largely been repurposed as a wholly owned subsidiary of Trump Properties. Gone are the days of scientific inquiry and international cooperation. In their place: a battalion of surveyors, property appraisers, and a handful of loyal and loyalty-tested astronauts wondering when their training will cover blackjack tables and buffet management.
Critics have accused President Trump of leveraging the presidency to enrich himself and his family. “That’s fake news,” Trump insisted. “Look, if I can turn the Moon into the most luxurious destination in the solar system, who really loses? Not me, certainly. Maybe Elon Musk, but he’s not as good at branding.” The President went on to clarify that any resemblance between the new NASA logo and a Trump Hotels loyalty card is “purely coincidental, folks, purely coincidental.”
When asked about the historic moment when surveyors will plant a flag on lunar soil, Trump offered a preview of the words he’ll say as they descend the ladder: “This is one small step for a man, one giant leap for Trump properties.” He paused for applause, then leaned into the microphone. “I made that up myself. It’s the best quote ever spoken. Neil Armstrong would’ve loved it if he’d thought of it. But he didn’t. I did.”
Plans for the lunar resort are already underway, with renderings showing a gravity-defying casino, a steakhouse where every meal is “astronomically expensive,” and the first spa promising “out-of-this-world facials, literally.” Melania Trump is rumored to be designing zero-gravity bathrobes for the gift shop, while Eric and Don Jr. are reportedly in charge of scouting craters with “stunning views and minimal meteor risk.”
NASA’s remaining scientists have been reassigned to develop a new line of MAGA-branded space suits and to explore the feasibility of turning lunar dust into a cost-effective alternative to gold leaf for the hotel’s lobby. “It’s a tremendous honor,” said one weary engineer, “though I do miss equations that didn’t involve square footage.”
As for the mission’s risks, President Trump is unfazed. “The Moon is great. People love the Moon. And soon, they’ll love Trump Moon even more. Frankly, no one has ever done more for the Moon than I. Probably never will.” He then promised to personally supervise the ribbon-cutting ceremony, provided the Secret Service could find a tuxedo that would fit over a spacesuit.
