BUFFALO, NY — In what has become a sort of spiritual tradition, sports betting sites across America spent Sunday night laughing, crying tears of joy, and watching their profits surge as Buffalo Bills fans—somewhere between hopeful and delusional—once again declared, “Next year’s the year!” for a Super Bowl victory.
Vegas insiders confirm that the Bills’ annual heartbreak tradition is now so reliable, you could set your watch by it. “Every January, it’s like clockwork,” said Bovada spokesperson Chuck Finster, pausing to suppress a giggle. “The Bills make the playoffs, fans start talking about destiny, and then—BAM!—they choke harder than a toddler with a Lego.” With 18 playoff appearances and four straight Super Bowl losses (a record that sounds more like a cruel statistical joke than a team history), the Bills’ postseason failures are legendary.
Quarterback Josh Allen, meanwhile, took a break from pouting and crying on the sidelines to issue a statement through tears: “It’s just not fair! The refs, the weather, the vibes, why is everyone always picking on me?” Allen, whose passing accuracy is rivaled only by his ability to find new ways to blame everyone but himself, was last seen slamming his helmet and composing passive-aggressive tweets about “haters.”
In a desperate attempt to shake off what scientists now call “Buffalo Bills Delusional Syndrome,” the team finally fired head coach Sean McDermott. Analysts agree this move is about as effective as switching from Diet Coke to Diet Pepsi. “The only thing firing McDermott will change is the name of the guy looking shocked on the sidelines when the defense collapses in the fourth quarter,” said one longtime fan, already planning trips to Miami for next year’s “Super Bowl or Bust” pilgrimage.
As for the fans, optimism remains undaunted. “It’s all part of the process,” insisted lifelong Bills Mafia member and group loser Linda Petrowski, clutching a Zubaz hat and a foam finger in one trembling hand, says, “We’re building something special! Like, a unique kind of pain. Nobody else does it like Buffalo.”
Betting sites, meanwhile, are already preparing for next season, rubbing their hands together and lining up a new batch of “Bills to Win It All!” prop bets. “Honestly, Bills fans are our best customers,” said Finster. “They believe in miracles. We believe in math and predictable odds.”
At press time, sources confirm that a group of Bills backers had already launched a new GoFundMe: “Help Us Hire a Real Quarterback.” The page had raised $17.32 and donated a YouTube video of Jim Carrey in “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” in his classic scene of “Lah-hoo-lah-sah-her.”
