by
Author: roguelionmedia
-
Ayatollah Tells Paradise Greeter He Specifically Remembers Being Promised 72 Only Female Virgins
In sources describing it as an “awkward celestial encounter,” the recently deceased Iranian Ayatollah Ali Khamenei reportedly faced paradise on Wednesday, allegedly to clarify what the holy man called a “clear case of divine fuck-up.” Khamenei, who was killed during a U.S. bombing mission in the early days of the latest Iran-U.S. war, allegedly expected…
-
Betting Sites Laughing Assess off as Fans Say (again) “Next Year” Year Bills Win Super Bowl
BUFFALO, NY — In what has become a sort of spiritual tradition, sports betting sites across America spent Sunday night laughing, crying tears of joy, and watching their profits surge as Buffalo Bills fans—somewhere between hopeful and delusional—once again declared, “Next year’s the year!” for a Super Bowl victory. Vegas insiders confirm that the Bills’…
by
-
NY Jets Sign Joey Chestnut in Third Round QB Pick
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — In a move that left both sports analysts and nutritionists scratching their heads, the New York Jets stunned fans Friday night by selecting professional eater Joey Chestnut as their third-round quarterback pick in the 2026 NFL Draft. Chestnut, best known for devouring 76 hot dogs in ten minutes at the Coney…
by
-
Mississippi-Based Tooth Fairy Inc. Forced to File for Bankruptcy
JACKSON, MS — In a development that has left dental hygienists and magical accountants reeling, Mississippi-based Tooth Fairy LLC filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection this week. CEO Trixie Glimmerdust cited what she called “an unsustainable and consistent, never-ending volume of tooth loss payouts in the Magnolia State.” We knew Mississippian’s teeth were in bad…
by
-
Cuba Offers Trump Vintage 1964 Cadillac Seville and Night with Gloria Estefan to Lift Embargo
HAVANA — In a move that political analysts describe as ‘bold’ and ‘definitely not in the history books,’ Cuba has reportedly increased its efforts to lift the U.S. embargo. The country is offering Donald Trump a 1964 vintage Cadillac Seville and an all-expenses-paid evening with Cuban Sound Machine legend Gloria Estefan. Sources say the offer…
by
-
D.C. Law Firms Agree to Trump’s Demand That Staff Dress Like Pinocchio During Federal Court Appearances
Several top Washington, D.C., law firms have agreed to President Trump’s new rule: attorneys opposing the administration in federal court must appear dressed as Pinocchio. Effective immediately, this means suspenders, short pants, and, most importantly, a prosthetic nose that grows during cross-examinations and is remotely controlled by the Department of Justice in the Office of…
by
MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
-
Patel Takes Houthis Off Watch List, Says Word Too Hard to Say After Drinking
-
Trump’s New Tehran Luxury Hotel Demand Disrupts U.S.- Iranian Nuclear Talks
-
ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
-
Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined