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Author: roguelionmedia
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In Nod to Inclusivity, Television Academy Announces 2027 Nominees for New Cosby Lifetime Achievement Award
LOS ANGELES — Leaning fully into Hollywood’s reputation for self-parody, the Television Academy announced its new Cosby Lifetime Achievement Awards, set to honor “trailblazers in television—and in the art of conveniently forgetting inconvenient truths.” The move, unveiled at a West Hollywood juicing bar, is being described as this year’s boldest statement on inclusivity, self-image, and…
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DHS Pick Mullin Boasts of ‘Special Assignments’ Abroad, Alludes He Once Dated ‘Pussy Galore’
Washington, D.C. — President Trump announced today that Oklahoma Senator Markwayne “Skeeter” Mullin is his pick for Secretary of Homeland Security. The nomination, widely seen as a nod to America’s love of rugged individualism and men who allegedly own more camo than furniture, has already sparked controversy — not least because of Mullin’s mysterious references…
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Man, Who Encouraged Grandkids to Swim in Shit-filled Creek, Says Dunkin’ Coffees Dangerous for Children
In a passionate call for public health, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.—the Health and Human Services director known for his conflicting views on wellness—once encouraged his grandchildren to “build character” by wading through a creek full of what’s essentially artisanal E. coli. Now, he has raised concerns about a different threat: Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks coffees.…
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Trump Says Americans Must Learn To Be Happy with Overpriced Happy Meal Without Toy
In a bold move, President Donald Trump addressed the nation from the Oval Office, telling Americans to “embrace the joy of an overpriced Happy Meal with absolutely no toy inside,” as the country faces yet another round of inflation. Trump pressed on, emphasizing the new reality. “Look, folks, we have the best Happy Meals. Tremendous…
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Unsolicited, U.S. Sends Hospital Boat Loaded with Confiscated Venezuelan Roofies to Greenland
NUUK, GREENLAND — In a move that has left international diplomats feeling like they’re in a roofie-induced stupor, a U.S. envoy has dispatched a hospital boat to Greenland, its hull allegedly stuffed to the bulkheads with confiscated Venezuelan roofies. The medical vessel, dubbed the “SS Drowsy Smurf,” arrived in Nuuk Harbor early Tuesday, trailing a…
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Democrats’ Response to SOU Indicates They Apparently Not Interested in Winning Midterms
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the latest sign that congressional Democrats are embracing defeat like a weighted blanket, Virginia Governor Abigail Spanberger delivered the party’s official response to President Trump’s State of the Union Address Wednesday night, leaving viewers across the nation wondering if Democrats have simply decided that winning elections is just overrated. Spanberger, who…
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MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined
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Trump Fumes as Ship Transporting Paddleballs Destined for Administration Staff, Detained in Hormuz
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Trump Nominates “Little” Vinny DeVito, Miami Serve-Pro Wet-vac Technician, to Lead FEMA