Dear Mr. Mannerless.
My wife and I have been struggling for some time now with my lifelong friend, let me call him “Herbie” to protect his real identity. My wife and I have known him and his wife for almost 30 years and have invited them to our home for dinner on multiple occasions.
Recently, because of “Herbie’s” emotional support and service hamster, who died after 10 years, he replaced him with a new emotional support and service llama. We invited him and his wife over for another dinner, and “Herbie” insists on bringing his new emotional support and service llama. We’re willing to overlook the possibility that the llama isn’t housebroken, but we understand they have a nasty habit (like camels) of spitting. We’re concerned about our food. The last time we confronted this problem (spit in our food), we were at a truck stop diner, wearing our “When We Fight, We Win” T-shirts, back in 2024.
What’s the right thing to do here so we can show support for “Herbie’s” emotional and physical disability needs and make sure his emotional and service support llama doesn’t spit in our food?
Dilemma’d in Detroit
Dear Dilemma’d in Detroit.
Is this situation for real? Are you fucking kidding me?
First, it’s understandable that “Herbie” may need an emotional support animal. He sounds like a whiney, sniveling, little chickenshit. Everyone has different needs, and even though you and your wife probably still have (and wear) your “When We Fight, We Win, Except When We Don’t” T-shirts, I’ll still answer your question, because I’m Mr. Mannerless.
Tell “Herbie” that if he can’t attend dinner without his llama, then perhaps it’s best to meet another time. He could explore different ways to manage his anxiety and need for emotional support before dinner, as many people do, with large amounts of drugs or alcohol (marijuana gummies in large quantities have always been my “go-to choice). And I’m still a little confused about what a llama does to provide service support. Are you sure he and his wife are getting along? I just think he may be overstating the physical and emotional support. Perhaps there is another motive (like maybe sex with the llama). People have unique reasons for their choices these days.
If you want to test the waters, invite Herbie and his wife over for a barbecue and jokingly mention you’re including barbequed lama on the menu. That could help you understand his commitment to the animal.
Good luck. Find some new, not-weird friends… will you?
Your curmudgeon in mannerlessness,
Mr. Mannerless
