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Author: roguelionmedia
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New Ayatollah Immediately Implements Mandatory “5-Things” Weekly Email for Surviving Iranians
TEHRAN — In a move that pundits are calling “aggressively deranged, even by the region’s standards,” Iran’s recently appointed Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Eric Khomeini Jr., has declared that every living Iranian must email him weekly with five things they’ve accomplished—or face torture and/or life imprisonment. The policy, effective immediately, was announced during a 14-hour televised…
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Four-Year-Old Mistakenly Orders $100 Billion Starlink Contract for India on Amazon
In what experts call “the boldest credit card raid since the Minecraft Diamond Block fiasco,” four-year-old Darren “Skeeter” Dinkwater of Clarksburg, West Virginia, reportedly placed a $100 billion Amazon order for a nationwide Starlink network, signing India up for more satellites than eight countries combined. The sequence of events began innocently: Darren, just searching for…
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Angry 2-Year-Olds Smash and Grab at Local Target to Protest New Tariffs on Pull-Ups
In what experts are calling “the most organized toddler-led politically motivated insurrection ever,” dozens of furious, unclothed 2-year-olds stormed a local Target on Tuesday, shattering glass, toppling displays, and making off with armfuls of pull-up packs. Their demand: a rollback of President Trump’s newly announced 50% tariff on imported pull-ups. Witnesses described the scene as…
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Thank you, Joe. You’ve Been Poked in the Risible.
Congratulations, Mr. S. You are (once again) all in a class all of your own. You are the recipient of the Risible’s very first Poke. We love you. We’re fans, and we hope you and your attorneys have a sense of humor, too. If this ever reaches you, please send us a note from our…
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Amidst Budget Cutbacks, Steven Miller Completes President’s Annual Physical Exam
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House announced today that senior adviser Steven Miller completed President Trump’s annual physical exam, armed only with a latex glove, a YouTube rerun of ‘Scrubs,’ and the confidence of a man who once successfully debated the efficacy of having a “master race” with Dr. Oz. The unorthodox medical event, held…
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Schumer-Intentionally Sporting the “Balding Jewish Geppetto” Look…with Attitude
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move that’s sent shockwaves through Capitol Hill’s style scene, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer confirmed Wednesday: his look is no accident. “People keep asking—is the hair loss on purpose? Are the glasses overkill? Am I just tired?” Schumer said, tugging theatrically at his thinning crown. “Let’s be clear: I’m…
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MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
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Patel Takes Houthis Off Watch List, Says Word Too Hard to Say After Drinking
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Trump’s New Tehran Luxury Hotel Demand Disrupts U.S.- Iranian Nuclear Talks
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined