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Author: roguelionmedia
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Angry 2-Year-Olds Smash and Grab at Local Target to Protest New Tariffs on Pull-Ups
In what experts are calling “the most organized toddler-led politically motivated insurrection ever,” dozens of furious, unclothed 2-year-olds stormed a local Target on Tuesday, shattering glass, toppling displays, and making off with armfuls of pull-up packs. Their demand: a rollback of President Trump’s newly announced 50% tariff on imported pull-ups. Witnesses described the scene as…
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Thank you, Joe. You’ve Been Poked in the Risible.
Congratulations, Mr. S. You are (once again) all in a class all of your own. You are the recipient of the Risible’s very first Poke. We love you. We’re fans, and we hope you and your attorneys have a sense of humor, too. If this ever reaches you, please send us a note from our…
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Amidst Budget Cutbacks, Steven Miller Completes President’s Annual Physical Exam
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House announced today that senior adviser Steven Miller completed President Trump’s annual physical exam, armed only with a latex glove, a YouTube rerun of ‘Scrubs,’ and the confidence of a man who once successfully debated the efficacy of having a “master race” with Dr. Oz. The unorthodox medical event, held…
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Schumer-Intentionally Sporting the “Balding Jewish Geppetto” Look…with Attitude
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move that’s sent shockwaves through Capitol Hill’s style scene, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer confirmed Wednesday: his look is no accident. “People keep asking—is the hair loss on purpose? Are the glasses overkill? Am I just tired?” Schumer said, tugging theatrically at his thinning crown. “Let’s be clear: I’m…
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Trump Supporters Worry That Cuts to NEA May Impact Ted Nugent Action Figure Museum
Trump fans are usually the first to cheer when someone threatens to cut government funding, but this week, many of them found themselves in a strange spot: suddenly worried about the National Endowment for the Arts. Why? Turns out, cutting the NEA might pull the rug out from under the Ted Nugent Action Figure Museum—a…
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WH Says Children Will Now Require $5 Million Gold Card to Participate in 2027 Easter Egg Roll
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move White House officials are calling “the logical next step in American childhood,” the Trump administration announced Friday that all children wishing to participate in the 2027 White House Easter Egg Roll will be required to present a $5 million Gold Card at the gate. President Trump unveiled the new…
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MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined
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Trump Fumes as Ship Transporting Paddleballs Destined for Administration Staff, Detained in Hormuz
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Trump Nominates “Little” Vinny DeVito, Miami Serve-Pro Wet-vac Technician, to Lead FEMA