TEHRAN — In a move that pundits are calling “aggressively deranged, even by the region’s standards,” Iran’s recently appointed Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Eric Khomeini Jr., has declared that every living Iranian must email him weekly with five things they’ve accomplished—or face torture and/or life imprisonment. The policy, effective immediately, was announced during a 14-hour televised address where the Ayatollah called himself “Supreme Inbox Overlord” and described the initiative as “a bold leap forward into the future of citizenry micromanagement.”
“Every Friday before sunset prayers, I want five items. Minimum!” the Ayatollah declared, pounding his desk of confiscated computers. “No email? Torture, life in prison, and immediate early ‘retirement’ from Iranian citizenship, just like U.S. federal employees.”
Sources say the new rule was inspired by Elon Musk’s infamous “5-Things Weekly” system, which required federal workers to report five ways they boosted DOGE or meme velocity. Historians call the era “brief, chaotic, and full of dog GIFs.”
The Ayatollah, a self-proclaimed “fan of radical accountability and clickbait,” claims his plan will “streamline Islamic and citizen productivity, erase downtime, and finally reveal what 86 million people fucking do all day except pray”. A new state AI will auto-flag low performers.
Critics call it “classic megalomania.” “First, he banned weekends. Then everyone had to read his 3,000-page Gmail treatise,” said one exiled satirist. “Now, forget to CC him, and it’s potholes in Bandar Abbas for a month.”
Finally, the Ayatollah announced the first email topic: “Five Ways I’m Grateful for The New Supreme Iranian Overlord.” Suggestions included: “His radiant beard,” “His tireless email spying,” “When he almost used BCC for news.” And, NOT TO INCLUDE “when I almost thought Trump was a friend.”
