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Author: roguelionmedia
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This Month in History
April 2, 1513 – Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon sighted Florida and claimed it for the Spanish Crown after landing at what is now St. Augustine. About 500 Jewish and Italian seniors, traveling with their golf carts, disembarked from de Leon’s ship just in time for a 3 p.m. early senior discount dinner at the St.…
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TKC Takes 2 Year Hiatus After Trump Announces He’s Lead Ballerina for 2026 Nutcracker
In an announcement that spread across social media faster than a ballerina on Black Friday, former President Donald Trump told the Trump-Kennedy Center’s director that he will indeed be headlining next year’s Nutcracker as the lead ballerina. The news broke late Tuesday, along with a photo of Trump in a pink tutu and diamond-studded pointe…
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Prescription Managed Care Company Acting Like They Just Daring Someone to Shoot CEO
Pharm Assure Inc., a nationwide prescription management company, took a bold new PR stance Tuesday, claiming it had “no real concerns” about the safety of its CEO or colleagues. The company often updates drug formularies with what it describes as the reckless abandon of a toddler running amok in a pharmacy—highlighting both out-of-touch leadership and…
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Americans Begin Anxious Wait to See Who Billionaires Elect for Them This November
In a long-standing tradition that dates back to the creation of money, millions of Americans are now anxiously waiting to see which billionaires will choose the next politicians to represent them this November. With the Democratic and Republican primaries nearly decided, attention has shifted to the real contest: a handful of Silicon Valley moguls, hedge…
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New Ayatollah Immediately Implements Mandatory “5-Things” Weekly Email for Surviving Iranians
TEHRAN — In a move that pundits are calling “aggressively deranged, even by the region’s standards,” Iran’s recently appointed Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Eric Khomeini Jr., has declared that every living Iranian must email him weekly with five things they’ve accomplished—or face torture and/or life imprisonment. The policy, effective immediately, was announced during a 14-hour televised…
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Four-Year-Old Mistakenly Orders $100 Billion Starlink Contract for India on Amazon
In what experts call “the boldest credit card raid since the Minecraft Diamond Block fiasco,” four-year-old Darren “Skeeter” Dinkwater of Clarksburg, West Virginia, reportedly placed a $100 billion Amazon order for a nationwide Starlink network, signing India up for more satellites than eight countries combined. The sequence of events began innocently: Darren, just searching for…
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MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined
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Trump Fumes as Ship Transporting Paddleballs Destined for Administration Staff, Detained in Hormuz
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Trump Nominates “Little” Vinny DeVito, Miami Serve-Pro Wet-vac Technician, to Lead FEMA