Pharm Assure Inc., a nationwide prescription management company, took a bold new PR stance Tuesday, claiming it had “no real concerns” about the safety of its CEO or colleagues. The company often updates drug formularies with what it describes as the reckless abandon of a toddler running amok in a pharmacy—highlighting both out-of-touch leadership and chaotic industry practices.
“We’ve dropped 37% of covered meds this quarter, keeping only Flintstones vitamins and homeopathic allergy drops,” said a spokesperson, staring into the camera. “We’d be surprised if no one tried to throw us out the window.”
Pharm Assure’s new “Wheel of Affordability,” which randomly spins a giant wheel to determine copays, mocks the industry’s complexity. Some drugs have become so costly that subscribers turn to GoFundMe, busking, and selling plasma to cover monthly inhalers. “It’s character-building,” said Pharm Assure’s VP of Customer Empathy, rumored to be an AI chatbot created solely to reject claims, criticizing PBM customer service practices.
When asked about the company’s responsibility to patients, Pharm Assure executives shrugged in unison, highlighting a widespread lack of empathy among health insurance leadership. “We really don’t care if your medication is covered, or if you can afford it,” said the Chief Medical Officer, speaking from a yacht shaped like an enema bag. “Our system is designed to ensure nobody gets too comfortable, or too healthy. Where’s the fun in that?”
Subscribers enjoy discovering that their life-saving medications, once covered, are now considered “experimental luxury.” “Keeps me on my toes,” said Linda Morrell, who is now Googling “how to grow your own insulin.” She calls it “pharmaceutical roulette—with extra paperwork.”
Despite public outrage and creative threats, Pharm Assure stands firm. “Our CEO is protected by bureaucracy, lawyers, and the fact that most people can’t afford to leave the house anymore after they pay for their meds, let alone to shoot anybody,” the company told investors.
