WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House announced today that senior adviser Steven Miller completed President Trump’s annual physical exam, armed only with a latex glove, a YouTube rerun of ‘Scrubs,’ and the confidence of a man who once successfully debated the efficacy of having a “master race” with Dr. Oz.
The unorthodox medical event, held in the White House’s seldom-cleaned Lincoln Bathroom, was reportedly necessitated by “fiscal prudence,” as Trump explained in a brief but meandering interview outside the door. “We’re saving the taxpayers millions. Doctors are very overrated, folks—very overrated. Steven’s got great hands, the best hands. He’s been with me a long time and has seen a lot. Frankly, I think he knows the human body better than anyone, especially the… You know, the back part. The back part is very important for a president like me.”
Sources say Miller, who has no formal medical training beyond a brief stint as a WebMD website surfer, accepted the assignment with the grim determination of a man about to perform his own appendectomy. “When the President asks you to do something, you do it,” Miller told reporters, his eyes darting in search of a sink. “Besides, the President has the prostate of a 20-year-old. Firm, proud, resolute. Some say the best prostrate in presidential history. I’m not saying that, but people are saying that.”
The highlight was the digital prostate check. Trump described it as ‘absolutely the best exam, very thorough. Not like Biden’s, which was probably rigged. Many say my results are fantastic. Miller did a tremendous job without flinching, and neither did I. Very strong.’
White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt, who, among other budget cuts, also moonlights as the president’s podiatrist, assured the press that all results were “tremendous, absolutely tremendous,” and that the President remains “in the best health of any man, woman, or child, alive or dead.” Miller, meanwhile, is reportedly updating his résumé to include “Presidential Health Czar” and “Amateur Proctologist,” should further budget cuts require his unique blend of loyalty and medical improvisation.
As for next year’s physical, rumors suggest that Rudy Giuliani has already been tapped to perform the President’s colonoscopy, while Eric Trump prepares to assist the procedure by playing “Operation”.
