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Author: roguelionmedia
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Trump Hotels Inc. Says Dates for Paid Wedding Events in New WH Ballroom, “Selling Fast”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced today that dates for paid wedding events in the new White House Grand Ballroom are “selling quickly,” with prime Saturdays booked nearly through the 2030s. “Frankly, everyone wants to get married where I live, work, and—let’s be honest—make the very best presidential history,” Trump declared at a hastily…
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Thune Rents Retirement Office Space for McConnell in Attic of Bates Motel
Coeur d’Alene, ID. — Senate Majority Leader John Thune has reportedly secured a post-retirement office for Mitch McConnell in the attic of the legendary Bates Motel. Sources tout “ample privacy, strong WiFi, and charm”—all rare in federal buildings. Senator McConnell, freshly 104 (give or take a decade, depending on which Kentucky birth certificate you accept),…
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Woods Folds Start-Up, Admits “No Future” in Side-Driven SUVs
In a press conference Tuesday that left investors, sports fans, and traffic cops disappointed, golf legend Tiger Woods announced the immediate closure of his much-hyped automotive start-up, Tiger Trax, citing “insurmountable consumer resistance” to his new and experimental line of side-driven, all-wheel-drive SUVs. Woods, who described his vision as “the logical next step after parallel…
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Trump Keeps Noem on in New Position as National Training Director for Iditarod
In a move that shocked Democrats, Republicans, and the Alaskan sled dog community, President Trump announced today that former DHS Secretary Kristi Noem will stay a key part of his team, this time in the newly created role of National Training Director for the Iditarod. “Kristi has shown she’s not afraid to make tough calls…
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Patel Commandeers FBI 747 to Hear Girlfriend Hum National Anthem While on Route to St. Thomas
Washington, D.C. — FBI Director Kash Patel reportedly diverted the Bureau’s only Boeing 747—affectionately known in agency circles as “Big Blue Justice”—so he could listen to his girlfriend hum the national anthem somewhere over the Caribbean. According to sources who definitely don’t have a grudge against Patel for replacing the office Keurig with cold brew…
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Sincerely, an Anonymous Covfefe in Bedminster
Dear Editor, I just wanted to write a tremendous letter—I mean, really terrific—to say how absolutely delighted I am about your new online sensation, “The Risible.” I’ve seen a lot of publications, probably more than anyone, but let me tell you, none have ever, ever made satire this great again. People are talking about it…
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MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
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Patel Takes Houthis Off Watch List, Says Word Too Hard to Say After Drinking
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Trump’s New Tehran Luxury Hotel Demand Disrupts U.S.- Iranian Nuclear Talks
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined