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Author: roguelionmedia
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Woods Folds Start-Up, Admits “No Future” in Side-Driven SUVs
In a press conference Tuesday that left investors, sports fans, and traffic cops disappointed, golf legend Tiger Woods announced the immediate closure of his much-hyped automotive start-up, Tiger Trax, citing “insurmountable consumer resistance” to his new and experimental line of side-driven, all-wheel-drive SUVs. Woods, who described his vision as “the logical next step after parallel…
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Trump Keeps Noem on in New Position as National Training Director for Iditarod
In a move that shocked Democrats, Republicans, and the Alaskan sled dog community, President Trump announced today that former DHS Secretary Kristi Noem will stay a key part of his team, this time in the newly created role of National Training Director for the Iditarod. “Kristi has shown she’s not afraid to make tough calls…
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Patel Commandeers FBI 747 to Hear Girlfriend Hum National Anthem While on Route to St. Thomas
Washington, D.C. — FBI Director Kash Patel reportedly diverted the Bureau’s only Boeing 747—affectionately known in agency circles as “Big Blue Justice”—so he could listen to his girlfriend hum the national anthem somewhere over the Caribbean. According to sources who definitely don’t have a grudge against Patel for replacing the office Keurig with cold brew…
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Sincerely, an Anonymous Covfefe in Bedminster
Dear Editor, I just wanted to write a tremendous letter—I mean, really terrific—to say how absolutely delighted I am about your new online sensation, “The Risible.” I’ve seen a lot of publications, probably more than anyone, but let me tell you, none have ever, ever made satire this great again. People are talking about it…
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Man Who Says He’s “Sick of Stupid” Pulls Costumed Bulldog Through Capitol
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Thom Tillis (R-NC) made headlines Tuesday after he was spotted dragging a bulldog clad in a feather boa, Mardi Gras beads, and what sources described as “the world’s tiniest top hat” through the halls of the U.S. Capitol in a cart adorned with tinsel and an alarming amount of glitter. The…
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10 New Movies That Will Make You Go, “WTF Was Hollywood Thinking”?
If you thought Hollywood had already scraped the bottom of the barrel, 2026 says, “Hold my oat milk latte.” This year’s lineup takes “woke” to a level previously only theorized by Inclusion Physicists and the “outraged” I’m-not-employed-so-I-have-nothing-to-do-except-be-on-Twitter-and-Facebook- all-day. Here are ten new releases so jaw-droppingly misguided, you’ll wonder if the writers’ room was just a…
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MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined
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Trump Fumes as Ship Transporting Paddleballs Destined for Administration Staff, Detained in Hormuz
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Trump Nominates “Little” Vinny DeVito, Miami Serve-Pro Wet-vac Technician, to Lead FEMA