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Author: roguelionmedia
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SCOTUS Admits They All “Usually Been Drinking at Kavanaugh’s” While Making New Term Decisions
In a move that shocked nobody and who’s ever wondered what really happens behind those imposing marble columns, the Supreme Court of the United States has admitted that, yes, they’re all “usually getting pretty ‘loosey-goosey’ at Kavanaugh’s house” while making any major term decisions. Chief Justice John Roberts, looking unusually relaxed in an untucked Hawaiian…
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Netanyahu Convinces Trump, Pope Leo, and Vatican City Next “Imminent Threat”
In a surprising move that has left international observers reciting their rosaries and scratching their heads, Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu has reportedly convinced President Trump that the greatest next threat to world peace is no longer merely lurking in the Middle East but rather in the authoritarian halls of Vatican City, led by the shadowy…
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F.C.C. Chair Threatens Suit with D.C. Chinese Buffet Over President’s Unfavorable Cookie Fortune
During a recent Fox News interview, the FCC Chair promised legal action after President Trump received a fortune cookie that read, “You may soon unexpectedly face the consequences of your actions, maybe in the mid-term elections.” Sources say the President immediately asked whether the kitchen staff was “part of the deep state.” Aides said the…
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Man Wearing Mascara and Eyeliner Says He “Taking Tough Position” in Iranian War Negotiations
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a striking display of both diplomatic resolve and impeccable lash definition, Vice-President J.D. Vance assured reporters Tuesday that he’s “taking a tough position” in negotiations to end the latest U.S.-Iranian war, despite persistent questions about his bold new eye makeup routine. “I want to make it clear to the Supreme Leader…
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ICE Begins National Raids on Any Venue Hiding a Taco Tuesday on Their Menu
In a sweeping escalation of its immigration enforcement efforts, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents fanned out across the country Tuesday, targeting a new hotbed of “suspicious activity”: restaurants, college dining halls, and even PTA potlucks that dared to offer Taco Tuesday specials. According to sources inside ICE, the move is part of Operation…
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U.S. Fertility Rates Drop Again as Southern States Raise Legal Marriage Age to 16
In a shocking move that experts say could threaten the very fabric of America’s leading supplier of shotgun weddings, several Southern states have boldly decided to raise the legal marriage age to 16—effectively dashing the hopes and dreams of every lovestruck 8th grader from Biloxi to Backwater County. The new law, which comes after decades…
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MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
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Patel Takes Houthis Off Watch List, Says Word Too Hard to Say After Drinking
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Trump’s New Tehran Luxury Hotel Demand Disrupts U.S.- Iranian Nuclear Talks
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined