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Author: roguelionmedia
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F.C.C. Chair Threatens Suit with D.C. Chinese Buffet Over President’s Unfavorable Cookie Fortune
During a recent Fox News interview, the FCC Chair promised legal action after President Trump received a fortune cookie that read, “You may soon unexpectedly face the consequences of your actions, maybe in the mid-term elections.” Sources say the President immediately asked whether the kitchen staff was “part of the deep state.” Aides said the…
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Man Wearing Mascara and Eyeliner Says He “Taking Tough Position” in Iranian War Negotiations
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a striking display of both diplomatic resolve and impeccable lash definition, Vice-President J.D. Vance assured reporters Tuesday that he’s “taking a tough position” in negotiations to end the latest U.S.-Iranian war, despite persistent questions about his bold new eye makeup routine. “I want to make it clear to the Supreme Leader…
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ICE Begins National Raids on Any Venue Hiding a Taco Tuesday on Their Menu
In a sweeping escalation of its immigration enforcement efforts, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents fanned out across the country Tuesday, targeting a new hotbed of “suspicious activity”: restaurants, college dining halls, and even PTA potlucks that dared to offer Taco Tuesday specials. According to sources inside ICE, the move is part of Operation…
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U.S. Fertility Rates Drop Again as Southern States Raise Legal Marriage Age to 16
In a shocking move that experts say could threaten the very fabric of America’s leading supplier of shotgun weddings, several Southern states have boldly decided to raise the legal marriage age to 16—effectively dashing the hopes and dreams of every lovestruck 8th grader from Biloxi to Backwater County. The new law, which comes after decades…
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Bible Now on Mandatory Reading List for All 15 Years of Texas Grade School
AUSTIN, TX — In a bold move to address “educashunal priorities,” Texas lawmakers announced today that the Holy Bible will be a required text for every year of the state’s voluntary K-12 grade school system—now officially extended to 15 years “for extra learnin’.” The announcement came at a press conference attended by state education officials,…
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Leavitt Flaunts New IEP, says Allows her Extended Time to Make up Believable Stories
WASHINGTON — In a surprise press briefing, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt announced she’s now on an Individualized Education Plan (IEP), giving her 50% extra time to conjure up narratives for the press. “More time to invent realities for you all—now that’s real executive privilege,” Leavitt quipped, waving her new Oval Office hall pass.…
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MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined
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Trump Fumes as Ship Transporting Paddleballs Destined for Administration Staff, Detained in Hormuz
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Trump Nominates “Little” Vinny DeVito, Miami Serve-Pro Wet-vac Technician, to Lead FEMA