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Author: roguelionmedia
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New Ayatollah Suggests No More Addresses on Invitations for Weekly Harem Parties
TEHRAN—In a bid to bolster operational security and preserve what remains of Iran’s senior leadership, Iran’s freshly minted Supreme Leader, Ayatollah “No-Reply-All” Khamenei, has issued a sweeping new edict: “No more addresses on harem party invitations. Effective immediately.” The announcement came just days after multiple U.S. airstrikes, triggered by a wayward Evite, decimated the Guardian…
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MS Officials in Stand-off with KKK, Demanding They Continue to Work During State Liquor Shortage
JACKSON, MS — The state of Mississippi entered its seventh week of a historic liquor shortage Wednesday, but state officials say the real crisis is not in empty bar shelves, but in the sudden drop in productivity among the Ku Klux Klan. After a spike in voting rights registrations and an unprecedented wave of peaceful,…
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In Blistering Social Media Post, God Responds to “Dinkie Donny’s” Criticism of Pope
HEAVEN—In a rare break from ages of celestial silence, God took to social media Monday morning to address President Donald J. Trump’s recent tirade against Pope Leo XIV, issuing a statement that left theologians and Facebook users alike scrambling for their Bibles and God speak translation dictionaries. “Just saw ‘Dinkie Donny’ blabbering about my guy…
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Trump Properties Awarded Contract to Manage Toll Booth and New McDonald’s at “Golden Arches de Trump”
The federal government announced today that Trump Properties, Inc. has been awarded a “lifetime contract” to manage both the toll booth and a new McDonald’s at the newly proposed majestic Golden Arches de Trump. The monument, a seventy-story fusion of fast food and self-aggrandizement, was recently proposed by President Donald J. Trump as a “historic,…
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SCOTUS Admits They All “Usually Been Drinking at Kavanaugh’s” While Making New Term Decisions
In a move that shocked nobody and who’s ever wondered what really happens behind those imposing marble columns, the Supreme Court of the United States has admitted that, yes, they’re all “usually getting pretty ‘loosey-goosey’ at Kavanaugh’s house” while making any major term decisions. Chief Justice John Roberts, looking unusually relaxed in an untucked Hawaiian…
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Netanyahu Convinces Trump, Pope Leo, and Vatican City Next “Imminent Threat”
In a surprising move that has left international observers reciting their rosaries and scratching their heads, Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu has reportedly convinced President Trump that the greatest next threat to world peace is no longer merely lurking in the Middle East but rather in the authoritarian halls of Vatican City, led by the shadowy…
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MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined
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Trump Fumes as Ship Transporting Paddleballs Destined for Administration Staff, Detained in Hormuz
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Trump Nominates “Little” Vinny DeVito, Miami Serve-Pro Wet-vac Technician, to Lead FEMA