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Category: Top Stories
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Leavitt Flaunts New IEP, says Allows her Extended Time to Make up Believable Stories
WASHINGTON — In a surprise press briefing, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt announced she’s now on an Individualized Education Plan (IEP), giving her 50% extra time to conjure up narratives for the press. “More time to invent realities for you all—now that’s real executive privilege,” Leavitt quipped, waving her new Oval Office hall pass.…
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God says He and Trump not talked since before first Epstein Party, and particularly not About War
Heaven — In an exclusive revelation that’s left theologians and White House press secretaries scrambling for new talking points, God announced Tuesday that He has not spoken to Donald Trump “since sometime before the guest list for that first Epstein party went out.” The statement came just hours after President Trump boldly asserted, “God is…
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Supporters Still Patiently Awaiting Campaign Promise of Free Tickets to “Gullible’s Getaway Weekend”
PALM BEACH, FL — For the seventh consecutive year, diehard MAGA enthusiasts nationwide are clinging to hope that their long-awaited campaign promise of an all-expense-paid weekend at Mar-a-Lago for the “Gullibles Getaway Weekend”—a resort package repeatedly teased by Donald Trump at campaign rallies and promised in exchange for their vote—will finally come to fruition. The…
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Trump Keeps Noem on in New Position as National Training Director for Iditarod
In a move that shocked Democrats, Republicans, and the Alaskan sled dog community, President Trump announced today that former DHS Secretary Kristi Noem will stay a key part of his team, this time in the newly created role of National Training Director for the Iditarod. “Kristi has shown she’s not afraid to make tough calls…
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Patel Commandeers FBI 747 to Hear Girlfriend Hum National Anthem While on Route to St. Thomas
Washington, D.C. — FBI Director Kash Patel reportedly diverted the Bureau’s only Boeing 747—affectionately known in agency circles as “Big Blue Justice”—so he could listen to his girlfriend hum the national anthem somewhere over the Caribbean. According to sources who definitely don’t have a grudge against Patel for replacing the office Keurig with cold brew…
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TKC Takes 2 Year Hiatus After Trump Announces He’s Lead Ballerina for 2026 Nutcracker
In an announcement that spread across social media faster than a ballerina on Black Friday, former President Donald Trump told the Trump-Kennedy Center’s director that he will indeed be headlining next year’s Nutcracker as the lead ballerina. The news broke late Tuesday, along with a photo of Trump in a pink tutu and diamond-studded pointe…
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MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined
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Trump Fumes as Ship Transporting Paddleballs Destined for Administration Staff, Detained in Hormuz
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Trump Nominates “Little” Vinny DeVito, Miami Serve-Pro Wet-vac Technician, to Lead FEMA