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Category: Top Stories
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Americans Begin Anxious Wait to See Who Billionaires Elect for Them This November
In a long-standing tradition that dates back to the creation of money, millions of Americans are now anxiously waiting to see which billionaires will choose the next politicians to represent them this November. With the Democratic and Republican primaries nearly decided, attention has shifted to the real contest: a handful of Silicon Valley moguls, hedge…
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Ayatollah Tells Paradise Greeter He Specifically Remembers Being Promised 72 Only Female Virgins
In sources describing it as an “awkward celestial encounter,” the recently deceased Iranian Ayatollah Ali Khamenei reportedly faced paradise on Wednesday, allegedly to clarify what the holy man called a “clear case of divine fuck-up.” Khamenei, who was killed during a U.S. bombing mission in the early days of the latest Iran-U.S. war, allegedly expected…
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Sesame Street Characters Strike Deal to Deliver President’s Daily National Security Briefings
In an unprecedented move that has left both intelligence officials and puppeteers scratching their heads, the beloved cast of Sesame Street has reportedly inked a deal to deliver the President’s daily national security briefing pro bono—in exchange for a promise not to defund PBS. Sources close to the negotiations say the arrangement was struck late…
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Californians Vote to Allow “Critical Karen Theory” to be Taught in State Elementary Classrooms
In a move that shocked no one, California voters yesterday overwhelmingly approved a ballot measure requiring all elementary schools to teach “Critical Karen Theory” (CKT) alongside math, reading, and composting. The new curriculum aims to help children recognize, confront, and, if necessary, politely request to speak to the manager about “Karen” behavior before it spreads.…
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National Minority Group Reports First Decline in Population of “Crackers and Peckerwoods” Since 1790
In a move that has left historians, demographers, and several cranky Facebook uncles angry, the National Minority Group announced on Thursday that the United States has experienced its first recorded decline in the population of “Crackers and Peckerwoods” since the very first census in 1790. The report, delivered with the somber gravity usually reserved for…
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MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined
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Trump Fumes as Ship Transporting Paddleballs Destined for Administration Staff, Detained in Hormuz
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Trump Nominates “Little” Vinny DeVito, Miami Serve-Pro Wet-vac Technician, to Lead FEMA