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Tag: Iran War
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New Ayatollah Immediately Implements Mandatory “5-Things” Weekly Email for Surviving Iranians
TEHRAN — In a move that pundits are calling “aggressively deranged, even by the region’s standards,” Iran’s recently appointed Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Eric Khomeini Jr., has declared that every living Iranian must email him weekly with five things they’ve accomplished—or face torture and/or life imprisonment. The policy, effective immediately, was announced during a 14-hour televised…
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Dead Ayatollah Still Defiantly Refuses to See Irony in Having Led Chants of “Death to America”
In what commentators have described as a “bold posthumous statement,” Iran’s late Supreme Leader remained steadfastly unamused by the situational irony of leading multiple rousing “Death to America” chants, despite having been killed during the opening salvo of the latest U.S.-Iranian conflict. Eyewitnesses report that, just hours after the U.S. Air Force’s initial bomb strike…
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Ayatollah Tells Paradise Greeter He Specifically Remembers Being Promised 72 Only Female Virgins
In sources describing it as an “awkward celestial encounter,” the recently deceased Iranian Ayatollah Ali Khamenei reportedly faced paradise on Wednesday, allegedly to clarify what the holy man called a “clear case of divine fuck-up.” Khamenei, who was killed during a U.S. bombing mission in the early days of the latest Iran-U.S. war, allegedly expected…
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MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined
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Trump Nominates “Little” Vinny DeVito, Miami Serve-Pro Wet-vac Technician, to Lead FEMA