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Category: Lifestyle
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Man, Who Encouraged Grandkids to Swim in Shit-filled Creek, Says Dunkin’ Coffees Dangerous for Children
In a passionate call for public health, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.—the Health and Human Services director known for his conflicting views on wellness—once encouraged his grandchildren to “build character” by wading through a creek full of what’s essentially artisanal E. coli. Now, he has raised concerns about a different threat: Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks coffees.…
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Prescription Managed Care Company Acting Like They Just Daring Someone to Shoot CEO
Pharm Assure Inc., a nationwide prescription management company, took a bold new PR stance Tuesday, claiming it had “no real concerns” about the safety of its CEO or colleagues. The company often updates drug formularies with what it describes as the reckless abandon of a toddler running amok in a pharmacy—highlighting both out-of-touch leadership and…
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Amidst Budget Cutbacks, Steven Miller Completes President’s Annual Physical Exam
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House announced today that senior adviser Steven Miller completed President Trump’s annual physical exam, armed only with a latex glove, a YouTube rerun of ‘Scrubs,’ and the confidence of a man who once successfully debated the efficacy of having a “master race” with Dr. Oz. The unorthodox medical event, held…
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Schumer-Intentionally Sporting the “Balding Jewish Geppetto” Look…with Attitude
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move that’s sent shockwaves through Capitol Hill’s style scene, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer confirmed Wednesday: his look is no accident. “People keep asking—is the hair loss on purpose? Are the glasses overkill? Am I just tired?” Schumer said, tugging theatrically at his thinning crown. “Let’s be clear: I’m…
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First U.S. Pope Schedules Speech in Broken English to Appeal to More Traditional Catholics
VATICAN CITY — Newly elected Pope Leo XIV announced his next papal address will be delivered in intentionally broken English—a bold move aimed at comforting traditional Catholics who miss the days when Vatican pronouncements were anything but clear. Pope Leo XIV, formerly Robert Francis Prevost, known as “Little Bobby-Franny,” in his hometown neighborhood in Chi-town,…
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Ayatollah Tells Paradise Greeter He Specifically Remembers Being Promised 72 Only Female Virgins
In sources describing it as an “awkward celestial encounter,” the recently deceased Iranian Ayatollah Ali Khamenei reportedly faced paradise on Wednesday, allegedly to clarify what the holy man called a “clear case of divine fuck-up.” Khamenei, who was killed during a U.S. bombing mission in the early days of the latest Iran-U.S. war, allegedly expected…
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined
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Trump Fumes as Ship Transporting Paddleballs Destined for Administration Staff, Detained in Hormuz
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Trump Nominates “Little” Vinny DeVito, Miami Serve-Pro Wet-vac Technician, to Lead FEMA