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Tag: Elon Musk
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New Ayatollah Immediately Implements Mandatory “5-Things” Weekly Email for Surviving Iranians
TEHRAN — In a move that pundits are calling “aggressively deranged, even by the region’s standards,” Iran’s recently appointed Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Eric Khomeini Jr., has declared that every living Iranian must email him weekly with five things they’ve accomplished—or face torture and/or life imprisonment. The policy, effective immediately, was announced during a 14-hour televised…
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Four-Year-Old Mistakenly Orders $100 Billion Starlink Contract for India on Amazon
In what experts call “the boldest credit card raid since the Minecraft Diamond Block fiasco,” four-year-old Darren “Skeeter” Dinkwater of Clarksburg, West Virginia, reportedly placed a $100 billion Amazon order for a nationwide Starlink network, signing India up for more satellites than eight countries combined. The sequence of events began innocently: Darren, just searching for…
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MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined
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Trump Fumes as Ship Transporting Paddleballs Destined for Administration Staff, Detained in Hormuz
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Trump Nominates “Little” Vinny DeVito, Miami Serve-Pro Wet-vac Technician, to Lead FEMA