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Category: International News
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Man Wearing Mascara and Eyeliner Says He “Taking Tough Position” in Iranian War Negotiations
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a striking display of both diplomatic resolve and impeccable lash definition, Vice-President J.D. Vance assured reporters Tuesday that he’s “taking a tough position” in negotiations to end the latest U.S.-Iranian war, despite persistent questions about his bold new eye makeup routine. “I want to make it clear to the Supreme Leader…
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Trump Tells America War Will End When Ayatollah Recinds “Tiny Hands Trump” Comment
President Donald Trump announced at a last-minute White House press conference that peace is possible—if the Ayatollah retracts his “Tiny HandsTrump” remark. “War ends when he takes it back,” Trump declared, waving his hands. “Everyone’s talking. Tremendous hands. Huge hands. Ask Melania!” Sources say the U.S.-Iran conflict, ignited by an exchange of absurd insults, peaked…
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Unsolicited, U.S. Sends Hospital Boat Loaded with Confiscated Venezuelan Roofies to Greenland
NUUK, GREENLAND — In a move that has left international diplomats feeling like they’re in a roofie-induced stupor, a U.S. envoy has dispatched a hospital boat to Greenland, its hull allegedly stuffed to the bulkheads with confiscated Venezuelan roofies. The medical vessel, dubbed the “SS Drowsy Smurf,” arrived in Nuuk Harbor early Tuesday, trailing a…
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New Ayatollah Immediately Implements Mandatory “5-Things” Weekly Email for Surviving Iranians
TEHRAN — In a move that pundits are calling “aggressively deranged, even by the region’s standards,” Iran’s recently appointed Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Eric Khomeini Jr., has declared that every living Iranian must email him weekly with five things they’ve accomplished—or face torture and/or life imprisonment. The policy, effective immediately, was announced during a 14-hour televised…
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Dead Ayatollah Still Defiantly Refuses to See Irony in Having Led Chants of “Death to America”
In what commentators have described as a “bold posthumous statement,” Iran’s late Supreme Leader remained steadfastly unamused by the situational irony of leading multiple rousing “Death to America” chants, despite having been killed during the opening salvo of the latest U.S.-Iranian conflict. Eyewitnesses report that, just hours after the U.S. Air Force’s initial bomb strike…
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Cuba Offers Trump Vintage 1964 Cadillac Seville and Night with Gloria Estefan to Lift Embargo
HAVANA — In a move that political analysts describe as ‘bold’ and ‘definitely not in the history books,’ Cuba has reportedly increased its efforts to lift the U.S. embargo. The country is offering Donald Trump a 1964 vintage Cadillac Seville and an all-expenses-paid evening with Cuban Sound Machine legend Gloria Estefan. Sources say the offer…
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MISCELLANEOUS STORIES
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Patel Takes Houthis Off Watch List, Says Word Too Hard to Say After Drinking
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Trump’s New Tehran Luxury Hotel Demand Disrupts U.S.- Iranian Nuclear Talks
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ICE Arrests Count von Count as Work Visa Revoked Following PBS Defunding
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Post Annual Physical, President Declares He Has “Most Perfect Prostate” Ever Digitally Examined