Classic West Virginia Kissin’ Cousins Wedding Day Goulash
Let’s be honest: when you think of West Virginia cuisine, you probably imagine steaming pots of soup beans, cornbread, maybe a squirrel stew or two. But there’s one dish that’s become a “classic” in the hills with all the cousins— the regional favorite no one can resist—West Virginia Wedding Day Goulash. Now, before you clutch your stepsister, rest assured: this recipe is strictly bullshit and tongue-in-cheek. The only thing that’s real here is the editor’s sick humor.
Ingredients
• 2 pounds fresh* ground roadkill squirrel, opossum, or woodchuck
• 1 can of government food pantry surplus cheese, diced
• 1 family-sized bag of Great Value Glacier Ranch Tortilla Chips crushed while still in the bag**
• ½ cup expressed warm fresh breast milk**
• 2 tablespoons Great Value Magic Treasures or Aldi Millville Marshmallows & Stars**
• 4 (each) Waffle House sugar, salt, and pepper packets
• 2 boxes Great Value brand mac and cheese (cooked)**
• 3 hand-squished tomatoes, preferably stolen from a neighbor’s garden, or 12 oz. Great Value brand ketchup**
Directions
- Skin and gut your meat, then brown the ground squirrel, opossum, or woodchuck in a battered, hand-me-down skillet over medium heat until cooked through. Ensure the meat is fully cooked to kill any parasites that may have been present before it was road-squished.
- Stir in all the rest of the stuff.
- Simmer until everything melts.
- Taste for seasoning. If the taste does not suit your liking, add more Waffle House salt, pepper, or sugar packets.
To Serve
Ladle into paper (but reusable) bowls. Top with hot sauce (Duh!).
Chef’s Notes
Like all Appalachian classics, this dish is best shared. It won’t fix a thing, but at least you’re not alone with a mountain of mess. Bon appétit, y’all.
*Fresh means still warm or lukewarm, and no arms or legs sticking straight up
** If it’s food stamp day, and you don’t need to sell any, the Chef recommends you splurge for the higher quality ingredients. Substitute Doritos Cool Ranch chips for Great Value Glacier Ranch Tortilla Chips, Lucky Charms for Great Value Magic Treasures or Aldi Millville Marshmallows & Stars, Kraft Mac and Cheese for Great Value brand mac and cheese, and cow’s milk for the free breast milk. We’re assuming the bride is pregnant.
Warning: Please don’t be a dumbshit and try this. It’s NOT for real. Don’t make it, don’t eat it, and don’t have your lawyer call me if you do.
Texas Slow-cooker Jackalope Stew
They’re hard to find, but if you’re a gullible Yankee, nothing beats Texas slow-cooker Jackalope. The real secret is the hunt: Texans say Yankees should don Elmer Fudd hats, flail their arms like a Cowboys stadium wave, and do the Chicken dance to reel in the perfect jackalope. Bring a Texan to grade your technique—Texas style. Happy hunting…Elmer!
Ingredients
• 1 whole jackalope skinned, cut into 1-inch cubes, and braised on the barbecue grill or smoker
• 12 pack Shiner Bock beer
• 1 lb.Mustang grapes
• 2 tbsps Yellowbird Hot sauce
• 2 whole shoots from a prickly pear cactus
• 1 lb.Agarita Berries
• 5 Potatoes, 6 peeled carrots, 2 celery stalks
Directions
- Put everything except the Shiner Bock in the slow cooker on high.
- Drink the Shiner Bock until the slow cooker contents are mushy
- To Serve Bring in your Yankee friends—in Elmer Fudd gear—and make them chicken dance for their meal.
Coming in May: Kentucky Slow-cooker Horse meat stew. Celebrating the Kentucky Derby, where even the losers become culinary winners.
