Trump fans are usually the first to cheer when someone threatens to cut government funding, but this week, many of them found themselves in a strange spot: suddenly worried about the National Endowment for the Arts. Why? Turns out, cutting the NEA might pull the rug out from under the Ted Nugent Action Figure Museum—a tiny, gloriously bizarre place in rural Michigan where America’s wildest rock star lives on in plastic.
“I always figured the NEA was just there to teach kids about ballet and, I don’t know, interpretive jazz,” said Chet Dillard, a local guy who wears his “Make America Rock Again” hat like it’s glued on. “But now I’m thinking, if those government grants disappear, how am I supposed to show my grandkids the whole lineup of ‘Motor City Madman’ action figures? Have you ever seen the Camo Cat Scratch Fever one? That’s history right there.”
Chet will tell you straight up: he couldn’t pick Jackson Pollock out of a police lineup, but to him, Nugent is basically Michelangelo with better hair. “Losing this place would be a real gut punch to American culture, you know?” he says.
The museum—yes, it’s real—has over 200 handcrafted Nugent figurines, most decked out in miniature camo and waving tiny American flags. It’s been receiving NEA funding since 2018. The curators somehow convinced a government official that Nugent’s 1977 Silverdome gig was as important as the moon landing. (Honestly, it was probably louder.)
Now, museum director Tammy Jean McCoy is scrambling. She’s throwing together a “Rally for Real Art” featuring free venison jerky and a Ted Nugent lookalike contest judged by—wait for it—a taxidermied raccoon, because of course.
Some folks say that, sure, NEA usually funds fancy stuff like theater and classical music, but this is the only spot in the country where you can relive Nugent’s legendary 1995 bow-hunting adventure that inspired his “Fred Bear” ballad. Even the most hardcore Trump supporters are starting to realize that “owning the libs” might just mean losing their favorite rock star’s little plastic doppelgänger.
As for Ted? He’s not sweating it. “If the deep state comes for my action figures, I’ll start my own museum,” he said, promising no snowflakes and a free copy of his book with every ticket. He also challenged Joe Biden to a Nerf crossbow duel, because, well, that’s just on brand.
Meanwhile, regulars like Buck Stover are signing petitions to make Nugent’s beard a National Monument. “This is about heritage, man. It’s about freedom. Honestly, it’s about time we made action figures great again.”
