WASHINGTON, D.C.—The nation’s highest court confronted a shaggy legal quandary Tuesday as justices weighed oral arguments over a California law requiring Steve Bannon to appear “at least moderately kept” in public. The law, stating Bannon must be “clean-shaven, freshly laundered, and not emitting an odor detectable within a fifteen-foot radius,” has ignited debate over personal liberty, government reach, and whether dry shampoo is a constitutional right.
“California’s intent was not to single out any one man,” insisted state attorney Laura Vasquez, while pointing to a 300-page dossier of Bannon’s recent public appearances, most of which resemble grainy stills from an early-2000s zombie flick. “But Mr. Bannon’s beard and hair alone pose a clear and present danger to public aesthetics, and potentially, public health.”
Bannon’s team countered that his look—part Rasputin, part cave dweller—is self-expression. “He has a right to look like he’s lived in for free in the backroom of a Waffle House,” said Mark DeVries, as Bannon scratched a beard that twitched with wildlife.
During questioning, Justice Sotomayor mused whether the law set a slippery precedent. “Are we truly ready for government-imposed haircuts? Next, the feds might subpoena untamed nose hair and sweatpants in public,” she remarked, eyeing Justice Gorsuch’s Crocs.
Justice Kagan, meanwhile, asked, “Is it so hard to use a comb—or at least a wet nap?” She added, “Honestly, his beard made more noise than his testimony.”
Public reaction is split. Some back the law for hygiene’s sake. Others fear a crackdown on ‘eau de burnout.’ One local asked, “If Bannon, then Uncle Tony? He hasn’t known a clean shirt since Reagan.”
Bannon left the court, still shiny. “Today, I speak for every American who’s skipped showers or lost razors,” he declared, as a supporter handed him deodorant.
The Supreme Court’s decision is expected later this year. For now, Bannon pledges to keep his grooming routine—‘unchanged since 2016,’ insiders say.
